It has been awhile since I initially wrote the thoughts below this paragraph. The original words came from a place of recent, deep hurt. So, I have given it lots of time and rereads. I also have REALLY appreciated the encouragement I have received from my last post. Many have reached out in love and kindness, and that has provided healing to my soul. Lastly, I realize that ALL of the church is not responsible for all harsh treatment of the LGBTQ+ community. There is a spectrum that goes from “shunning” or “turning over to Satan in hopes for repentence” on one side and moves with many stops all the way to some that are in “full celebration and inclusion of the LGBTQ community.” Many are somewhere along that spectrum and are really trying to understand how best to love this community that is different than they are. I really appreciate this spectrum, and I hope this post is helpful. It is only my personal experience, but I will be as honest as I can be.

Previously written post (edited)

At the risk of overwhelming, I add this post. I wrote this a few months ago after a very hard interaction with old friends. The previous post I shared has been written (except for the last bit) for about a year or so. I struggled to know if I should just share that one or this one, or both. If it is too much, forgive my humanity. I share with hopes that it will create curiosity, context, and compassion.

Have you ever had thoughts about people who have left the church? Have you ever looked up and realized they were gone, and wondered why? Or maybe you have known why, and shook your head in disappointment. There are many reasons people may leave a church, and I am not suggesting that pursuing those people is always necessary. However, it might be nice to consider whether they are hurting. I remember having judgmental assumptions of people who had been hurt by the church before I became one of those hurt myself. Judgments such as: Those people were weak in their walk with God, easily wounded, quick to embrace a bitter spirit, etc. And those people were definitely on a slippery slope. I am sorry to admit that these things ever crossed my mind, but they did, especially when I was much younger.

I have now become those people I used to judge. I have never been hurt so deeply as I have since coming out in support of my daughter. Actually, “we” because my husband has experienced it too. He used to be pretty oblivious to emotions, even his own. His dad has a funny story about him wondering aloud why emotions were even necessary. In our marriage, I have had more than enough for both of us. But, this journey has been really tough on some of our most precious relationships, and we’re continuing to navigate these emotions as the conflicts and confrontations never seem to completely stop. (Yes, I realize that posts like this may encourage more confrontations :)).

I want to re-emphasize that almost all of our family is willing to be with us at gatherings. They seem genuinely interested in our lives and our kids’ lives, even though things have changed. We have become more “liberal,” and I imagine that can be tough for some of them to accept. But I am grateful that they have not let us go or “turned us over to Satan”. We feel loved by them. However, I cannot say the same for some of our past closest church friends.

I do not mean to whine. This has been the hardest piece to share, because it feels so whiny. However, I know this is a common experience for queer people and families who support their LGBTQ kids. I believe something needs to change! I really hope that my experience will help those who are respectfully curious to have a deeper empathy for what people in their congregations may be going through. Or maybe some will have a clearer understanding about why people connected to this issue have left their churches. And that leads me to this most honest letter.

Dear Church,

Why do you assume YOU KNOW how people should live their lives? Based on our experience, why do you not allow us to support and celebrate our child’s beautiful life? “But the Bible says,” you may say. With respect, do you fully understand the Bible? And if you’re taking it so literally, do you practice everything it says? Or does “the other” just make you uncomfortable, because it’s not something you’ve experienced?

“God said it. I believe it. That settles it?” “I let the Bible dictate my life?” Here are a few challenges that took me about 5 minutes and admittedly are shallow examples.

Do you eat pork?
Do you submit to your husband?
Do you love your wife as Christ loved the church?
Do you sacrifice a perfect lamb on the alter every year for your sins?
Oh, Jesus fulfilled that need? Ok.

Jesus’ words come to mind actually:

Do you “Let those without sin cast the first stone?”
Do you first remove the log from your eye before pursuing the speck in your brother’s eye?
Do you “Judge not so that you will not be judged?”
Do you, “Love your neighbor?”

There are 6 verses in the Bible about “homosexuality” (Actually, that word was not used until the more modern interpretations, beginning in 1946– see the film 1946 when you get the chance). Many believe (myself included) that those verses are not addressing being gay in a monogamous, committed relationship. There are many scholars who believe that those verses are addressing something very different than a monogamous, committed relationship. If you are willing to explore, their arguments are compelling. For resources, see this post https://respectfullycurious.com/curious-about-knowing-part-2/

In light of the fact that many don’t agree in this area,

Dear Church,

Your treatment of this people group and those who celebrate them is an arrogant position and causing harm.

Hard words to take

Here are some things that have felt hurtful that have all come from Christian “love”:

1)“I just need to let you know, I don’t agree with you on this. ”
2)“You don’t believe the Bible.”
3) “You are living in sin, and until you repent, you are out of fellowship.”
4)“You can continue to lead your small group, but if anyone in your group has a child dealing with this issue, we would ask you to send them to our elder board instead of discussing it with them.”
5)“I honestly don’t know what to do with you.”
6)“We are concerned for you.”
7) “God still loves you even if you find yourself off course.”
8)“We wish you would have told us earlier what you were going through, so we could have prayed for your daughter to have a change of heart.”
9)“I had to reach out, because I didn’t know if anyone was telling you the truth— that you are in sin.”
10)“God has been leading me to write this for years, and I finally had the courage to share it with you.”

Additionally, we have experienced an enormous amount of ghosting. Maybe that just happens over time, but it’s been a whole lot of people. Also, you may read some of these and wonder why they were hurtful. All I can say is, these are the comments that have created feelings enough to remember them. I am sensitive, and I could flush out the context of these comments; but I won’t take time for that here. I am happy to chat about it if you are respectfully curious. Just know that they were hard to take in the moment. This also is not an exhaustive list, but they include sentiments that are more common responses from church friends.

I have known those who have not experienced any harm from religion. I am a bit jealous of them. I sometimes feel I am grasping onto a faith that I want to trust has more to it than the people who claim to belong to it. Because the truth is, they are the source of hurt for us, not healing. Our journey with our own kids, it turns out, has been the easiest part! The “punishment” we have received from those who would have claimed to be our closest friends is the much harder part.

I know there has been much great work done by Christians through the years. However, often if you dig a little, it is easy to uncover tremendous power mongering and harm. Many organizations are run by the walking wounded, as podcasts, documentaries, and personal experience affirm. Some want our country to be a Christian nation, with a Christian leader, Christian beliefs for laws, etc. I believe our country should remain a place for all to live freely. Some sects of Christianity are not comfortable trusting people to explore and understand God in ways different than their own. Exploring different perspectives and shifting one’s belief comes at a cost in these communities. That has felt very real these last few years to Chris and me.

Dear Church,

I understand now when Jesus said to Peter, “No, to forgive 7 times isn’t enough. But 70 times 7. “ Because the harms will come
and come
and come.
And forgiveness (the process, not the quick fix) does bring freedom. It seems He knew that we would have to keep forgiving.

Dear Church,

Please stop believing it is your job to save people. Please stop believing it is your job to police people’s life choices. It is not. I believe it is your job to shine your light in dark, hopeless places, as Christ said, “A city on a hill cannot be hidden.” It is not your job to convict. It is your job to love people, even if they don’t agree with you. “Loving” them by telling them they are wrong is not love. Loving them by refusing to associate without reminding them they are in sin is not love. If you know a grown person who is behaving a way that you don’t like, too bad. If you have children, you need to learn this before they are adults; or you will learn it the hard way after. Grown people are responsible for their own actions and beliefs. Only they and God can change their beliefs. They likely have reasons for their beliefs. Trust them. If they are wrong, they will learn without your “encouragement.” Every confrontation, controlling comment, and quiet gossip for the “prayer chain” is immature, manipulative, and pushing them farther away from you and God. You become unsafe, and they will not come back.

I am grateful now to belong to a church that doesn’t claim to know how people should live. They do claim to love people. And ALL are welcome. Yes, Liberals, Evangelicals, Buddists, Jesus lovers, Queer people, Republicans and Conservatives, and SO many more. ALL ACTUALLY MEANS ALL at our church, and I love that about it. And there are beautiful rainbow people to be in community with, so you can grow in empathy for people different than you.

Forgive my rant. I am licking very recent wounds of heartache and loss. I am learning better boundaries, and I am learning to leave people who are keeping to themselves alone, even if I miss them. I also try to remember that they are all doing what they believe is right. I remember I used to behave in similar ways, but I never want to again. When you experience the pain, you know.

Words that heal

These are words that have blessed us on this journey. They are ALMOST as impactful as the hurtful words. When I get a little more mature, I’m sure they will be WAY more impactful :).

Dear Church, and others,

Thank you for your kindness and grace. Here are a few things you have said that have blessed us.

1)”I want you to know, I stand with you in support.” 2) “Congratulations!!!” 3) “How is Cailin doing?” 4) “How can we show love to Cailin?” 5) “I can’t know what I would do if it were me.” 6) “All we know is we love you all.” 7) “Let me give you a hug.”

On those healing words, I will end. Thank you to those who spoke them to us. Hopefully a little will be learned here, but I know it is not my job to change the church or anyone. I hope my experience is helpful. May we have compassion for each other in these challenging times.