Hi, Everyone,

I thought I would share a reflection I was invited to share at church today. Thanks for reading.

When I was asked to talk today about resurrection and transformative love I considered what I would share. There are a variety of things I could share. Life is full of dying to an old way and living into a new way. I hope that my life will reflect millions of those patterns, exponentially as I get older. But I thought I would share three significant seasons that helped me become more open to these regular resurrection moments, big and small.

Love in my Spirit

The first “awakening” was back in my very evangelical time of life, about 20 years ago. My husband Chris was a huge C.S. Lewis fan at the time, and he had gone to several C.S. Lewis conferences. He really loved his times at these conferences, and so we decided to get childcare for our 3 very little kids and attend one with his parents. The conference was titled, “The Imaginative Worlds of C.S. Lewis and J.R.R. Tolkein.” I had never experienced anything like what that conference was. I remember Fernando Ortega was the resident artist, and there were speakers who were intellectual and also poetry readings. I kept thinking that I had never experienced a Christian conference where I did not feel like I needed to “work on something” or “repent”. I felt grace abound in the content, and it did awaken something in me. I literally wanted to engage with every person I met, with curiosity, love, and wonder at the creation that they were. I was not the same. I had become aware that there was a new kind of Christian event that made me a better human, without the guilt and shame. I began then to lose interest in the dogma that had kept me focused on my own limitations and shortcomings, and I wanted to press into the flow of humanity that invited the beauty of growth. The connections this group gave me contributed significantly to why I still have a faith in God today. The friendships that began there showed me a different kind of Christian community; and if I hadn’t experienced it, I think I would have attached all of Christianity to the rigidity of the fundamentalism I had known before. I am grateful to have had this experience that moved me from a world of shame to an openness to other God perspectives that keep me interested in Them.

Love in my Body

The second season I wanted to share was about 9 years ago. While the first experience was more spiritual, this was more connected to a personal, bodily awakening. Robin Williams had just passed away, and many were sharing about depression on social media. At the same time, a leader of a fundamentalist movement I had been involved in as a youth was exposed for thirty something sexual harassment allegations. Also, I was on a worship team and the leader was asked to resign due to indiscretions with another team member. The world as I knew it, my present leaders, my past leaders, and a respected celebrity had brought some clarity. There was much wrong with the world, and Robin’s quotes and stories about him helped me become aware that loved people can still have mental health challenges. I realized I was depressed and had been for some time. I decided to start seeing a therapist (which was very scary for me). We discussed my story: who I was, what I wanted, etc. I was made aware that I did not know the answers to any of these questions. I only had known how to be who others wanted me to be. I had grown up in a world of conservative religion where I thrived in being the person that did more than I was told, did things before I was asked, and worked hard to consider others more important than myself. That got me success in those places, but in reality I was very out of touch with my own self. The two big leaders being exposed made me realize I had lost myself in service to others and I had become a victim of a toxic system. I had learned to behave, submit, and be as completely selfless as I could manage; but I hated myself and could do nothing outside of someone else’s need. I was anxious, depressed, unhappy, and realized my “joy” was limited to being happy when others I helped were happy with me. My time in therapy has helped me grow in love for me. I can be alone with myself and enjoy it, which was not possible before. I have grown in understanding of who I am, what I like, and what I don’t like. I still sometime struggle with boundaries, but I am getting better. I am realizing what is appropriate and celebrating my likes and dislikes. I have left the old mindset of who I was, and I feel more comfortable honoring my needs so I can live in love for myself, others, and the world. My new love for myself allows mistakes, realizing growth comes through victories AND challenges. The important thing is to remain open to learning in all of life, not expecting perfection but humanness.

Love Discovered Through Practice

The last experience of awakening and transformation was more of an active practice. Many of you know that a friend and I walked across Spain about a year and a half ago. It was 500 miles done in 32 days, and was super impactful. People have asked what it was that was so “life changing.” There isn’t an easy answer, but it has something to do with the grounding practice of walking 15-22 miles for 29 of 32 days, WITHOUT a giant AHA moment. The plodding sound of our feet. The beauty of the landscape surrounding us. The sound of cow bells as cows literally were herded along beside us. The taste of red wine, poured out of a pitcher at our nightly dinners. The groans that come from sore muscles and joints. The conversations and laughter with fellow “pilgrims” at the hostels and along the path. We walked through the rain, got blisters, ate not great food most of the trip, and many days were just plain boring. Walking into the city of Santiago at the close of our journey was pretty anti-climactic with no fanfare for our huge accomplishment– just a few photos, a hug from a couple we had met along the way, and a long wait in a line to receive our certificate. However, in the days after, as I processed the trip, I realized how it had changed me. It was a concentrated life experience that mirrored reality. It was not cluttered by entertainment, duties, expectations, or any other of life’s distractions. It was simple but significant. All we had to do those 32 days was walk from where we were to our next destination. All day. Every day. We ate, we walked, we slept, and we fellowshipped. But we also walked 500 flippin miles across Spain! The mundane, yet intentional movement got us a hella long way.

 I think that transformation is inevitable. It does not have to occur through excessive productivity or success in the world’s terms. Transformation and awakening by love might just as likely come from a partner making you coffee in the morning, a child relaying something that is important to them, a chat with a friend, or a morning walk to get your body moving. I used to thrive on people pleasing and acquiring kudos by overextending myself. What other’s thought or needed was the drive that kept me going, and if I didn’t have approval, I sunk into despair. These old ways still occasionally show up, but I can spot them more quickly now. I also am way more comfortable with the boring day to day, doing what I enjoy and trying to care for my needs and help those close to me. I make daily mistakes but try to keep an attitude of forgiveness for myself and others. I am no longer focused on fixing everyone else, preventing problems (of mine or others), or performing the way others think I should. Instead, I am more comfortable admitting I have needs and working to prioritize those needs. I HAVE been awakened by love and am open to letting it transform me. I am slowly breaking free from the old bondage of the past, and pursuing a more sustainable, peaceful, life of love.