Do you know who you are? I mean really? Where do you start and stop? This is a consistent area of growth for me. Who am I without you?

If you are not with me, do I know what I want? I know you. I know what you want. But what do I want? It is dinner time. I know you would like to eat at the pub. So, I want to eat at the pub. But do I though?

How do I want to spend my evening? Hmm. Do I know? Nope. I have become very flexible and willing to do whatever you would like to do.

My therapist asks, “What would you like to get out of today’s time together?” Hmm. Do I know? How about you tell me what you think I need to get out of today’s time together. Would that be ok?

It takes work for me to learn what I want and need. I am getting better about realizing what I need. I still struggle with knowing what I want.

The big things are clear. I want my family to love me. I want them to love each other. I want to belong. I think I sometimes just want whatever you want, so you will love me and I can belong with you. What’s wrong with that?

What is wrong with that is that sometimes I do not feel heard. I work up the courage to say what I want. But you say you don’t want to do that. Then what? Can anyone relate? That FEELS like rejection.

It has been an interesting season of growth in this space. Sometimes learning what I want and sharing it with you is a lonely journey. So, learning what I want means also learning to be ok with my own company. Sometimes it is only my own company. Because I am me and others don’t necessarily want to do the same things I want to do.

I will still do what you want sometimes, because I like you. I also want to understand you and learn why you want what you want. Maybe you can do that for someone else too. But not all the time.