Category Archives: El Camino

Dear Church

The Church in Leon, Spain. Just one of many cathedrals we saw on our Camino journey last year.

Traveling across Spain on foot gave lots of time for taking in the amazing cathedrals. They were awe inspiring with their grandeur, and I found myself curious about the unbelievable time, talent, and treasure that had been invested in these works of art.

I found myself wondering why? Were they concerned that God would not be pleased with anything less? Did they want to show the power of religion? Were they wanting to make sure that this cathedral measured up to the one down the road? Or why am I judging? Maybe they just wanted church to be fantastically beautiful to invite in the hurting, giving them hope that something that grand had to have power to heal. I know seeing a church as we crested a hill at the end of a long walking day, kinda gave me that feeling on my Camino.

Whatever the reasons, am grateful for the time, talent, and treasure invested. Walking through the vast time capsules that were these cathedrals was nothing less than a gift to me and others, these centuries later. They are stunning.

I imagine that modern church leaders discuss the nature of church buildings in similar ways. They may need them to have a big stage with fog machines, or they may focus on the practical with chairs that connect easily. I expect they want to be more inviting than austere, feeling warmer with their coffee shop vibes.

I like inviting. I was part of a church that I loved dearly where the pastor said that he wanted the atmosphere to be comfortable until you were in your seat. Then he felt the church leaders were responsible to work with God to bring transformation, which is not often comfortable. I appreciated this sentiment at the time. I felt I needed transformation, and assumed everyone else did too.

Another past pastor of mine used to say that he wanted people to be glad, at their funeral, that he was their pastor. He also clearly felt responsible to guide others on the correct path. I also feel this responsibility too, if I am honest. I think growing up a preacher’s kid gave me this sense of needing to help people toward the blessed life.

I wonder what it feels like to attend one of these cathedrals. Is it comfortable? It is a place of transformation? Is it the responsibility of the pastors and priests to invite us into comfort or conviction?

I used to believe so, but after some curious thinking I am less sure.

It must be a tremendous burden to feel responsible for all of those people. For the corrupt person, it could also support a tremendous feeling of power. Is this what being “called” looks like? Teaching people how to live? I wonder if there are things that are missing or even wrong in this structure called “church.” There seem to be lots of things spoken that are not demonstrated, things like “the greatest of these is love,” or “how can he say to his brother, ‘let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the while he has a plank in his own eye.” It can be hard to reconcile, and I understand all too clearly the challenge.

My family has gone through stuff. We have traveled the lonely path of being very involved in a church, then subsequently embracing a life of loving and fully supporting our lesbian daughter. Our daily life probably looks similar to any other privileged, white family. I try to love others well and live an intentional life, caring for myself and those around me; yet this has been a season of grief and loss of nearly all of our early church community.

I remember the echo chambers of the large, albeit beautiful cathedrals. I remember being in my modern echo chamber of a sanctuary and nodding my head, feeling so accomplished in my Christian successes. My husband was a Sunday School teacher, and taught challenging and thoughtful lessons. I remember our last Sunday there, before we moved away. I remember individuals in our class recounting all our valuable traits that they were going to miss. They mentioned the example of our lives, and how much they appreciated our friendship. We poured so much into that community, and loved them all so much.

I have always wanted to write a letter to them. I wonder why we have not heard much from most of them, since our daughter came out. We had a journey, that was not easy, of tears, searching, confusion, etc. as we navigated how to respond to our precious child. It would have been really nice to have some of those old friends reach out in support. When we did hear from them it was in urging us to change our position. That added shame to an already difficult time.

I know time also can affect relationships. We have all traveled a hard road through a pandemic and the divisions that came because of a vaccine. And amidst the sickness came some powerful moments of pain, as we saw again and again, Black people dying unnecessarily by the force of racism. And all of it is made political, including how to handle the LGBTQ community. https://respectfullycurious.com/did-covid-steal-your-relationships/

It has been 4 years since we were honest about our position on embracing the LGBTQ community. Time has been kind for those we have kept in close proximity with– our family and a few dear friends have been able to find a way to love us. But for many of our early church community, time has not been kind. It has allowed assumptions about who we now are and how we now live to fester. When we have revisited those friendships, we have felt the toxic void of proximity.

Next I will share my hardest post yet. My body fears it. It is not a theological treatise, but my heart’s response after yet another recent, deep wound from those who used to be our closest friends.

Dear Church,

Please consider the damage. Perhaps it is time to move from our austere places of worship, inviting or not, to life on life, with respectful curiosity and humility.

What to share?

We are benefitting from a rest day today, and I have nothing but time. It feels so nice. However, it’s interesting that I am struggling to decide what to share.

While walking I feel so inspired with ideas. I think about being grounded and present, with the sites and smells and sounds, and how this is something so available on the Camino! Or I think about the hard climb I’m doing (actually happened yesterday). I think how life is really a climb sometimes, but small, determined steps get us through it. And the views at the end fill me up to bursting! Or I think about how is it possible that our bodies are still going after so many miles, and is it just mind over matter or are we causing damage 😳?

Post climb view!! Worth it!!

I also finished an audio book yesterday that my father in law recommended. It was called Anxious People by Fredrik Backman, and I really enjoyed it. I have read another of his books, A Man Called Ove, and I loved it as well. There were a couple of phrases that stuck with me yesterday as I walked. Both books I’ve read of his are set within an unlikely community of people. A paraphrase of the first comment that struck me is, “And since they had all learned a bit of each other’s stories, they liked one another better.” THIS I’ve experienced in life and on the Camino. Maybe you have too?

The “Iron Cross.” Many pilgrims bring a rock, representing a “burden” that gets left here. It’s a very moving part of the journey for many.

The other idea that stuck out to me in the book was mentioned this way—again, I’m paraphrasing— “It seems to me that not knowing is a very good place to start.”

I have been in a season of getting comfortable “not knowing” for a few years now. I’ve seen harm done and experienced some “hurtful” things myself from people who believe they know. This has made me wonder, “Who of us actually KNOWS and what makes us so sure we are right?”

Perhaps you’ve been curious about these things too. I’m kinda weary of HAVING to be in a place of knowing, mostly because I’m tired of the hurt it’s caused. I wonder if healing for these relationships may be in the “not knowing?”

This season on El Camino has been SUCH a gift. I really see it as such! My faith in God, in myself, in humanity has been given a giant boost! We are experiencing the most beautiful sites of creation (natural and man-made), alongside the very tangible pains of the journey, while being inspired by ourselves and other pilgrims. I am not stressed about what I don’t know, but I’m filled up with beauty and hope and love and gratitude. Life is beautiful.

“Santiago cake”- brings good luck to those who eat it!

Our rest day has been so nice, and we have just one more push of 6 days to the end! We’re in a beautiful place, listening to the jingles of cow bells as the farmer and his barking dog herd them down the street out front. It’s simple and lovely. I hope I can bring a portion of the simplicity home with me. I have grown to love the Spanish people and their way of life. It’s so kind of them to care for us along our path. Next time my goal is to be able to communicate more than just my order of “tortilla y te negro con un poquito leche.”

Well, this has been a bit of a brain dump. It’s what happens to me when there’s “space” in my day, which is why I thrive in busy. It’s the real me tho. Until next time. Buen Camino!

Just over 3 days!

Until we start our journey walking. I have a bit of a nasty cold, so I hope that has past by then.

I have now been in Europe for just over 2 weeks, and yesterday I caught myself looking forward to going home. 😅 It will be awhile before I get to go home, nearly 6 more weeks if all goes as planned. I have been thinking about how my time in Spain will be similar to these last couple of weeks. The towns will be old and have the European charm, I expect. I will be walking a lot, at least 2 times more each day than I have been. There will be many different people doing this journey too. Each will have a unique story with different reasons for being there.

I am looking forward to spending time with my friend and going on this journey with her. I know we will experience highs and lows, and I expect we may even grow weary of each other from time to time. We have discussed this, and are somewhat prepared for it. I am thankful to have a friend willing to give this crazy thing a shot! What a gift!

Saturday morning I will meet Theresa in Paris. We will spend the day and night in Paris. Sunday morning we will fly to Biarritz, France, where a shuttle will pick as up. Maybe we will even have someone waiting for us as we exit the plane with our names on a whiteboard 😁! The transport service will drive us from there to St Jean Pied de Port. We will pick up our official papers at the pilgrim office and check into our first hostel. At that point we will grab dinner and try to get a good night’s sleep for our first day!

Thank you for following our Camino Adventure! I’m here to share all the highs and lows, along with lots of pictures! Here’s my first picture which shows the contents of my backpack! I actually pulled a few items from it since this picture to attempt to lighten it up a bit. It’s roughly 20lbs. Here we go!

My anxious brain is sometimes exhausting as El Camino draws nearer

I’m starting to feel nervous. I already miss my kids extra much. I worry that I’ll feel disconnected from my husband and my kids.

Then I worry that I’ll give up or at least I will want to. I cannot believe that I will get through this pilgrimage without major catastrophic failure.

I tell myself that it will be ok and that I am prepared. I have everything I need, and I’ve been preparing for this for months—my body should be ready.

I’m stressed! Breathe deeply. I need to let concerns go. Worrying has never helped me. I’m going to do this, and I will get through it. I can do this and I am going to write down all the feelings along the way.

I have an anxious mind. It isn’t pretty sometimes. Yes, I’m very excited about this journey, but I’m at times (like 3 nights ago when I wrote the above paragraphs) I am overwhelmed with feelings and catastrophic thoughts.

This journey is bound to be raw, and I keep worrying about sharing that with others. I think, “Who wants to be plagued with my crazy thoughts?” Or “Is it safe to share this vulnerable part of myself with others?”

But…I think I am going to trust you with this part of me, as naive as that may be. Hopefully, anyone who is bothered by my “crazy” just won’t read it!

El Camino is giving me big nerves and feelings right now as I start in less than two weeks. There may be some hard perspectives brought to light, with my fear of the unknown welling up. Don’t let it alarm you.

I want to document it all. Maybe my kids will someday read it and be encouraged that they can and will get through big things in spite of big worry feelings.

Until my big journey begins on September 19th, I’m enjoying a trip with my husband and his parents in Europe! Below are a few of our highlights so far! Stay curious!

Shortcuts Are Not Often Helpful

Allowing space to grow

I have had lots of time to think as I have been training for my big trek across Spain, the El Camino Road. Yesterday I walked for four plus hours listening to my audible book for half of that time. The book was heavy – a collection of stories about mountain rescues. The author describes her angst, ever so vulnerably, as she describes the sacrifices that she makes on a regular basis to save lives or carry a body out of an avalanche basin or floor of a waterfall. Her story is powerful, yet I wonder if it’s worth the cost. She also wonders.

Before I walk I get a request from someone. They ask if I can send them some money, because they have none. They would like to get out of their hard space. I have helped this person many times before. They don’t like hard places, and I don’t like seeing them in a hard space. I have the ability to rescue them from their frustration and it’s hard to say no. Why should I have when they do not. I have the means to help and I have before. I have helped and given in a way that made this person have so many more opportunities – several times actually. If I help , won’t it give me an opportunity to speak into her life? To share with her what I think she needs to know about how to live her life?

Well, here’s what I’ve learned. I do have some of what she needs, but I cannot give her a shortcut. She has to experience all the hard steps of her life before she can have the clarity to know what she really needs to move forward. My getting her out of a frustrating day will not help her grow. I am not suggesting we don’t help those in need. I wish I could encourage everyone to open your eyes to the people right in front of you who you can bless. But I am finally learning that money does not buy happiness- not for myself or those I share it with. It can do some good things. But it can also be an unhelpful shortcut.

I had 4 hours to walk yesterday. I could have taken a shortcut, but I would have cheated myself from the last hour, when I listened to music and sang “I will always love you” at the top of my lungs. I was thinking of my friend who asked for help. I was wondering if she felt loved or rejected. The truth is, whether she knows it or not, I will always love her. No matter how many times she gets herself into bad situations. But I long for her to tune in to her “hard” long enough to gain clarity, understand what she needs, pursue it, and ultimately grow.

I will be walking for five hours each day of my long trek in the fall. Yesterday I walked four and my legs ached at the end. There will be alot of time in those days, and that will be one of the hardest part I think. It is difficult to be quiet and alone with our thoughts. It is lonely. I have wanted to be rescued from that space before, many times in the last 9 months, with a recent empty nest. It sure feels better to find needs and to answer everyone’s requests for help. I feel more valuable and wanted and purposeful. But I wonder if I need to be more slow to rescue, if there might be more opportunity for growth- if I am helpful in other, less monetary ways. I hate to sound like I think I know what’s best for someone who reaches out. I do not. But I do feel more comfortable digging deeper and looking for other ways to be present and helpful? Maybe?

Maybe I need to just continue practicing searching out the right response. Maybe my next response is a resounding “YES!!” that launches me into a space of hard work and sacrifice to help another who’s in a hard spot. For sure that is possible! But I know that just having some time and space helps give clarity and wisdom on what I need, what they need, how much is required for this situation, and how helpful it will be. I need time and space, even though it does not always feel as rewarding as helping.

We each have a bucket of GROW, I think. And GROW takes lots and lots and lots of time to absorb. I don’t want to have someone tell me that I can skip it by taking a vitamin or doing a workout or reading a book or taking whatever shortcut. That is not true. I want to learn all I can from every moment I am given. And I want those around me to too. So I should be careful to be mindful of robbing others of their opportunity to soak up their GROW, even though it will be hard. I will be careful of shortcuts, because shortcuts sometimes can steal the best parts of GROW.

This is hard, because it creates many conflicts in my own heart. Again, this blog is as much of a space for my own processing as anything. I may be the only one who understands it, but I am ok with that. Stay curious about your own musings. If you do not have space in your days to think, look for the ways to make some. Maybe there is a shortcut present that is robbing you of some GROW time?

Curious with you,

Joy

This pic was the last portion of a long hike my sister and I took last week, after learning we were not able to take the “shortcut” boat back. Six extra miles but the most beautiful bit!