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R-E-S-P-E-C-T, Find out what it means to me…

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“Consider others more important than yourself.” This verse I learned as a little girl has shaped my life. It is a phrase that, to me, describes what respect means. Can it be taken too far? Of course, I believe it can. However, it has given me a perspective that has been one of my aims in life. It helps my ego not feel too weighted in relationships.

I remember wondering if this phrase could apply to parenting. I admit it is a pet peeve of mine when I see parents “talking down” to their kids. (I probably have not respected them very much :).) What might it look like to consider my kids more important than myself? It could look like celebrating their accomplishments or cheering them on when they’re down. Maybe it looks like giving them freedom to make mistakes and grow, being proud of them through it. What if I assume they will do the right thing, verses expecting them to fail? Respect definitely includes celebrating who they are instead of trying to force them into the “mold” of someone I imagined they would be.

What does it look like to consider my partner more important than myself? It could look like doing things that I know are meaningful to them. Or maybe I could let irritations go and celebrate all the parts of who they are, even the parts that are difficult for me. It could mean making time in a busy schedule to be with them or listening to them talk, because their words are important.

Respecting a coworker may mean sharing positives about them with the rest of the team or supporting them through highs and lows at the office. Taking a moment to share a smile and a “How was your weekend?” is respectful, as well as, paying attention to their interests and engaging around what you have noticed they care about.

Can I consider a family member who has differing beliefs more important than myself? I could avoid letting politics get in the way of a growing relationship with them. Maybe I remember their birthday and celebrate their kids’ milestones. Respecting them values taking opportunities to connect with them, even if it’s awkward; because life is short and they are more important than the issues we disagree about.

Who else might I have opportunity to “respect?” What would it look like to show respect to the guy with the cardboard sign at the end of the freeway ramp? How about the neighbor who has a Trump sign on his lawn or a Kamala sign? And the neighbor who has a pride flag hanging on their house? Consider a trans coworker? What about the person who doesn’t have their lawn as manicured as you’d like or who takes your parking spot at the gym or your pew at church? And the person who cuts in front of you in the Costco line? Do you respect the homeless person in the downtown doorway who’s high on drugs or passed out and smells like urine?

Who do we think of as more important than ourselves? Anyone? Everyone? In my most depressed moments, I think everyone, but I usually operate from the bubble of my own importance. To be clear, I don’t believe that respect requires a loss of myself. Respect of people includes a respect of myself. Prioritizing my own needs is important, so I have capacity to respect others. But respect doesn’t have to cost much. It can simply be a shift in thought or a surrender of a judgment. It may be free, but it is not abundant. On the contrary, it currently feels like it’s in short supply.

We are all people, each unique, who are incredibly complex, with different gifts. Respectful curiosity is something I need more of, and I wish it was more of a reflection of our society. Is there a person that comes to mind that you deem not “respectable?” What would respecting them look like? I have people that are not easy for me to respect. I am not suggesting turning a blind eye to people who have been abusive. However, I really hope to more generally practice “curiosity before criticism” and think about what considering others more important than myself might look like.

I am interested in your thoughts! Do you think “Considering one another more important than yourself” is a path of respect? Does that track?

Dear Church, Pride, Thoughts

Courage Takes Time, for Me at Least

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I imagine if you are at all invested in my blogposts and if you are at all affiliated with the church, you may feel like sitting ducks. Believe it or not, I am the last person that would want to be the cause of that feeling in you. I wanted to take this breather between “Dear Church” posts to say that while I have been busy, I have not been in a hurry to put that next post out. I typically prefer to behave myself, and sharing the next post feels a little like talking back to my Mama. And that didn’t fly in our house! 🙂

I am a bit of a chicken, but I also think it is OK to sit on my feelings for awhile and consider others. Man, emotions are SO heightened these days, and it is easy to want to react versus sit and take a minute. We are so quick to jump into whatever camp we feel most comfortable in, instead of leaving space for the challenges that the folks on the other side might be going through. So, I have been mulling over how my post might have been difficult for some. I also wonder how many will even read another post. But it really does not matter. I put these thoughts out in case they are helpful, and I hope they are. It does take courage, and courage takes time. That is probably the main reason for the delay. This is not the next scary post, but a pause for additional thoughts.

My sincere hope is that anyone willing to read would know that my intent is not to be mean or hurtful. It is hard to have someone accuse you of wrong, especially if you feel like you are sacrificing what feels good to do the right thing. I know my generalizing of the church may have been hard to take, because of this truth. Ironically, I completely understand and have also felt this sentiment. It was not my intent to generalize or assume that all church attendees were in the group that was causing harm. My hope, though, is to reach some people who are curious or don’t know, who may be open to discover what is hurtful and what is not.

Thoughts within thoughts

One thing I have found interesting is this. I suspect that if I had been quiet about my position of support for my daughter and her wife, I would have experienced something very different from the church friends. My daughter could be herself, and live her life; and I could probably even be in wedding photos. I feel fairly certain that it is the “loud” support that has created problems for myself. I really struggle with this reality and would like to be wrong about it. I understand that celebrating sin is not cool. I would never celebrate a murder or abusive behavior. Some may feel that my support is the same as doing that. That is an extreme example, but I think many communities I have been a part of would equate my support with supporting a heinous crime.

One of the books I read in my journey was God and the Gay Christian, by Matthew Vines. I read the last chapter where the author, who had same sex attraction AND loved the Bible, pleaded with those willing to support to support loudly. I felt compelled to do so, though it took me awhile. Courage takes time. He really felt the pain of not being allowed to serve in ministry and not even being able to darken the door of some churches, due to his honesty about who he was. Would he have been welcome to serve if he had stayed closeted? Most definitely.

This is similar to the conflict I encounter when I am open about my support. If I kept it secret, I would be welcome in all my old circles of friendship and service. But my integrity keeps me from those relationships. This is really something, isn’t it? I don’t feel it makes a lick of sense. But it is what it is.

Ok, I’ll try to get my nerve up to share my now VERY edited letter to the church :). I know it won’t be as cool as Peter or Paul’s. Take a deep breath, church people. And remember, I love y’all! AND when I am not out of town, I still go to church :).

Dear Church, El Camino, Pride, Thoughts

Dear Church

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The Church in Leon, Spain. Just one of many cathedrals we saw on our Camino journey last year.

Traveling across Spain on foot gave lots of time for taking in the amazing cathedrals. They were awe inspiring with their grandeur, and I found myself curious about the unbelievable time, talent, and treasure that had been invested in these works of art.

I found myself wondering why? Were they concerned that God would not be pleased with anything less? Did they want to show the power of religion? Were they wanting to make sure that this cathedral measured up to the one down the road? Or why am I judging? Maybe they just wanted church to be fantastically beautiful to invite in the hurting, giving them hope that something that grand had to have power to heal. I know seeing a church as we crested a hill at the end of a long walking day, kinda gave me that feeling on my Camino.

Whatever the reasons, am grateful for the time, talent, and treasure invested. Walking through the vast time capsules that were these cathedrals was nothing less than a gift to me and others, these centuries later. They are stunning.

I imagine that modern church leaders discuss the nature of church buildings in similar ways. They may need them to have a big stage with fog machines, or they may focus on the practical with chairs that connect easily. I expect they want to be more inviting than austere, feeling warmer with their coffee shop vibes.

I like inviting. I was part of a church that I loved dearly where the pastor said that he wanted the atmosphere to be comfortable until you were in your seat. Then he felt the church leaders were responsible to work with God to bring transformation, which is not often comfortable. I appreciated this sentiment at the time. I felt I needed transformation, and assumed everyone else did too.

Another past pastor of mine used to say that he wanted people to be glad, at their funeral, that he was their pastor. He also clearly felt responsible to guide others on the correct path. I also feel this responsibility too, if I am honest. I think growing up a preacher’s kid gave me this sense of needing to help people toward the blessed life.

I wonder what it feels like to attend one of these cathedrals. Is it comfortable? It is a place of transformation? Is it the responsibility of the pastors and priests to invite us into comfort or conviction?

I used to believe so, but after some curious thinking I am less sure.

It must be a tremendous burden to feel responsible for all of those people. For the corrupt person, it could also support a tremendous feeling of power. Is this what being “called” looks like? Teaching people how to live? I wonder if there are things that are missing or even wrong in this structure called “church.” There seem to be lots of things spoken that are not demonstrated, things like “the greatest of these is love,” or “how can he say to his brother, ‘let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the while he has a plank in his own eye.” It can be hard to reconcile, and I understand all too clearly the challenge.

My family has gone through stuff. We have traveled the lonely path of being very involved in a church, then subsequently embracing a life of loving and fully supporting our lesbian daughter. Our daily life probably looks similar to any other privileged, white family. I try to love others well and live an intentional life, caring for myself and those around me; yet this has been a season of grief and loss of nearly all of our early church community.

I remember the echo chambers of the large, albeit beautiful cathedrals. I remember being in my modern echo chamber of a sanctuary and nodding my head, feeling so accomplished in my Christian successes. My husband was a Sunday School teacher, and taught challenging and thoughtful lessons. I remember our last Sunday there, before we moved away. I remember individuals in our class recounting all our valuable traits that they were going to miss. They mentioned the example of our lives, and how much they appreciated our friendship. We poured so much into that community, and loved them all so much.

I have always wanted to write a letter to them. I wonder why we have not heard much from most of them, since our daughter came out. We had a journey, that was not easy, of tears, searching, confusion, etc. as we navigated how to respond to our precious child. It would have been really nice to have some of those old friends reach out in support. When we did hear from them it was in urging us to change our position. That added shame to an already difficult time.

I know time also can affect relationships. We have all traveled a hard road through a pandemic and the divisions that came because of a vaccine. And amidst the sickness came some powerful moments of pain, as we saw again and again, Black people dying unnecessarily by the force of racism. And all of it is made political, including how to handle the LGBTQ community. https://respectfullycurious.com/did-covid-steal-your-relationships/

It has been 4 years since we were honest about our position on embracing the LGBTQ community. Time has been kind for those we have kept in close proximity with– our family and a few dear friends have been able to find a way to love us. But for many of our early church community, time has not been kind. It has allowed assumptions about who we now are and how we now live to fester. When we have revisited those friendships, we have felt the toxic void of proximity.

Next I will share my hardest post yet. My body fears it. It is not a theological treatise, but my heart’s response after yet another recent, deep wound from those who used to be our closest friends.

Dear Church,

Please consider the damage. Perhaps it is time to move from our austere places of worship, inviting or not, to life on life, with respectful curiosity and humility.

Thoughts

Does it have to be important? Mid-life for this Mama.

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As I approach the end of my first degree, hopefully in December, I feel myself wondering what is next. I will have a BS in behavioral health with a trauma emphasis, and there is something in me that thinks I need to go down that particular path. We have invested money in this degree. I have invested lots of time, stress, and sacrifice toward finishing it. I should do some important thing with it, right?

I was literally crying about it to my husband last night, bless him. I think my anxiety and depression really show themselves in times like these. I believe I need to figure out what I want. Then I struggle to decide what I want. Then I feel frustrated and sad that I don’t know what I want. I feel like all I know how to do is accommodate others and be a helper; but that doesn’t feel very special, and I do feel burnt out sometimes.

I don’t know why I feel such pressure. I think it is from myself. I never want to have any regrets, and I want to make the most out of the time I have been given.

Things were a little clearer when I was more “religious.” I would hear of a need, and assume it was from God, which definitely meant I should do it. I could help and help all the people that did not necessarily ask for it. I would feel good for helping and doing “God’s work.” But did it really help them? My depression is ever present, assuming my helping did nothing.

I honestly probably just need to get some good exercise! My brain is spinning, and I realize that I haven’t moved hard in awhile. I injured my calf and feel limited; but man I gotta get outta my head. Yep, it really could just be that. It feels like a huge crisis and a Joy hate fest; when really I just need to sweat it out.

I am learning about my feelings, and finally, at 47 years old, I am learning that they are temporary, thank God. Not the feelings of sadness that come with grief (although the intensity of grief settles over time too). But these feelings that I need to figure ALL of life out RIGHT NOW. AND look how messy my house is! AND everyone must think I’m crazy (which is what I will feel after posting this :’D). AND what if I AM supposed to do something “amazing,” but I am just LAZY or SCARED?!! Or what if I DO something “amazing”, but I get famous and CORRUPT?!

OMG. I am 12 again.

Time for some self compassion. I do have faith that there will always be opportunities before me that I can choose or not, depending on whether I believe I am well suited for them. I am not crazy, but I am human. I do not know all the things, and I never will. Remember those “Choose your own adventure” books that I would always read all the endings to before choosing? We don’t know all the outcomes ahead of time. We actually know very little. It is ok for me to try something and fail. I will learn and grow. It is ok to choose a job that does not suck all my emotional energy. It is not my responsibility to save all the people, and I have a circle of people that I can invest in that I already have deep relationships with. I do not have to help the whole world understand and accept the LGBTQ community or people that are different than they are (even though I REALLY WANT TO). I can contribute to that effort in different ways, but I am not responsible.

I AM a passionate person. I have BIG feelings about a lot of things, and I do LOVE bringing people along on those journeys when they want to be part of them. I have realized that it is harmful to force them along. Honestly, that is why I chose to have this blog. I thought it would give people who were interested in coming along with me a place to join me in my journey, without being bombarded with all of it on social media, without their permission. BUT maybe NOBODY will join. And it will be an unread journal entry. That is also ok, because I needed to go through the process of writing it out and calming myself in this way.

Maybe this has been helpful to someone. It is my most vulnerable place.

Thoughts

Working toward being “non-binary”

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This title comes with a small shock factor for those who may know me. I am not referring to non-binary in the gender space, and I do not intend any disrespect to those who identify as non-binary. I think it is an important, scientifically proven gender term; and I have several people in my life, whom I love, who identify as non-binary.

What I am referring to is binary thought. I wonder if my exposure to fundamentalism encouraged me to think in a more binary way. “This way is right. This way is not.” Things cannot be both ways or nuanced. It’s too dangerous. I do not know if this teaching was intentional, but it definitely jived with my ideas of safety and rightness. As an anxious kiddo, I was happy to have the clarity of do’s and don’ts.

It feels good to know something is right and do it. I think there are many good decisions. I think there are many bad decisions. I like to think I make good decisions mostly, but the reality is, I make plenty of bad ones all the time. For example, today I kept sinking into a social media mind meld when I should have been doing homework. But is that bad? I paid for it when my homework took me way longer than it needed to, but nothing really bad happened to me. I finished. Maybe my brain lost cells, but this extrovert has been in a VERY quiet house all day. I think I enjoyed interacting with my cyber friends. This is just one example of a not so clear “bad decision”.

Salad ?

I think there are TONS of examples like this. As I grow older I feel like there are more and more things in this “non-binary” space. It’s not good. It’s not bad. It’s just a choice.

Or cookies?

Sometimes I have had a tendency to think that if one way doesn’t work the way I imagine, it’s a bad decision. I put it on the “bad decision shelf,” and hope never to access it again. Or if it’s a method that works for me, I put it on the “good decision shelf”, to be accessed regularly. I may even put a big label on it that says “HOW TO LIVE YOUR BEST LIFE” or something like that. And because I have learned well how to evangelize, I may even share ALL about it with anyone who will listen.

It is really great to find something that really works well for me! It feels so good too if others see it and applaud. It feels good until it doesn’t.

It stops feeling good when everyone does not use my “good decision workbook.” Even though I have made it beautiful and very accessible, they have their own methods that they choose.

But why? Do they think my method is a bad method? Do they think I am stupid? Do I think they are missing out? Or wrong? Or bad? Is there another secret reason that they don’t use my “best life manual?” Hmm. These shelves are causing trouble.

Perhaps they are just different people than me. They like different things. They like meat, when I like veggies. They like competitive games, when I love a “get to know you” game. They may choose television over a walk. This one is hard for me, because I may really think I have evidence to back up that a walk is better. However, sometimes I could use a break, sitting next to people I love, experiencing a show together. A walk can be a good decision. But it turns toxic when it becomes an obsession. Television can be a bad decision, but it can also be an experience filled with memories and love.

So, I am working to be comfortable with trying things and deciding, what are good choices for me in the moment? What does it look like to be kind to me right now? What does it look like to be kind to you? I am trying to be open to both/and verses either/or. It is a more peaceful space, with less judgment on others. It gives me opportunity to try new thoughts, consider others’ perspectives, and be reminded that my way is not THE way.

I still like to have things that are clear, and I believe growth gives everyone opportunity to find those good decisions for themselves; but after 46 years, I am really ready to try to let go of needing to make a HOW TO manual for myself and others to live by. It’s so exhausting! And it is not a place of much respectful curiosity.

I wonder if my new method of thought is a good decision ;). Happy 2023, Friends! Thanks for reading!

Thoughts

I’m going to miss this guy!

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I’ve had a lot of fear in my life. It seems like fear is one of those things worth being curious about. I believe each person’s fear is unique to them and says something about who they are. Learning about a person’s fears can help us understand them better, and connect with them more deeply.

What are your fears? What can you learn about yourself from your fears? How can you learn to talk to the child inside you when those fears feel especially big?

One of my biggest fears is around losing relationships. I don’t want to ever do anything to jeopardize any of my relationships. This has created a boundary problem in my life, and is an area where I am always pursuing growth. I am slowly learning what that fear looks like when it feels big, so I can minimize “reaction damage”.

A fear that has popped up when preparing to do this pilgrimage is that I will lose my husband. So catastrophic, right?!

My parents hardly spent a night apart. It was important to them to physically be together. It was special for them, and that was my “normal”.

Additionally, teachings that I heard from a variety of people growing up was that there were many things in the world that were working against marriage and family. This incited fear in me, and a desire to avoid the marriage and family “destructors” they described. I felt responsible to try to be the perfect everything to keep our marriage and family thriving.

My husband has been traveling for his job, in growing amounts, throughout our marriage. This has sometimes triggered these fears in me. My fears sometimes lead me to big feelings which sometimes lead to big reactions. These reactions have been an occasional part of our relationship through the years, I’m sorry to admit.

Why am I so afraid of losing him? Has he given me reason to think he won’t be true? Nope. I believe it’s something I’ve allowed myself to believe through the years, and I’m working to eliminate it. Fear and the control response is not a good way to live. It certainly does damage to relationships!

Hopefully my husband will manage without me, as I have managed without him on many occasions. If we can’t survive this, it’s not because I went on this trip. We will survive it though, because I’m optimistic that we have a relationship that is built on years of teamwork and trust.

It’s cool if you have a life that gives you lots of physical time with your spouse or partner, and it may be a priority which is great. But if something changes, don’t let fear take over. You will be ok.

I wonder, is it possible that the biggest things working against our relationships are fear and the reactionary desire to control? I know that’s sometimes been the case in our relationship.

Don’t be afraid to get curious about those fears, and learn from them. I’m hoping to! Buen Camino!

Thoughts

Boundaries: What are they, and why do I struggle with them? A curious musing

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Do you know who you are? I mean really? Where do you start and stop? This is a consistent area of growth for me. Who am I without you?

If you are not with me, do I know what I want? I know you. I know what you want. But what do I want? It is dinner time. I know you would like to eat at the pub. So, I want to eat at the pub. But do I though?

How do I want to spend my evening? Hmm. Do I know? Nope. I have become very flexible and willing to do whatever you would like to do.

My therapist asks, “What would you like to get out of today’s time together?” Hmm. Do I know? How about you tell me what you think I need to get out of today’s time together. Would that be ok?

It takes work for me to learn what I want and need. I am getting better about realizing what I need. I still struggle with knowing what I want.

The big things are clear. I want my family to love me. I want them to love each other. I want to belong. I think I sometimes just want whatever you want, so you will love me and I can belong with you. What’s wrong with that?

What is wrong with that is that sometimes I do not feel heard. I work up the courage to say what I want. But you say you don’t want to do that. Then what? Can anyone relate? That FEELS like rejection.

It has been an interesting season of growth in this space. Sometimes learning what I want and sharing it with you is a lonely journey. So, learning what I want means also learning to be ok with my own company. Sometimes it is only my own company. Because I am me and others don’t necessarily want to do the same things I want to do.

I will still do what you want sometimes, because I like you. I also want to understand you and learn why you want what you want. Maybe you can do that for someone else too. But not all the time.

El Camino, Thoughts

Shortcuts Are Not Often Helpful

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Allowing space to grow

I have had lots of time to think as I have been training for my big trek across Spain, the El Camino Road. Yesterday I walked for four plus hours listening to my audible book for half of that time. The book was heavy – a collection of stories about mountain rescues. The author describes her angst, ever so vulnerably, as she describes the sacrifices that she makes on a regular basis to save lives or carry a body out of an avalanche basin or floor of a waterfall. Her story is powerful, yet I wonder if it’s worth the cost. She also wonders.

Before I walk I get a request from someone. They ask if I can send them some money, because they have none. They would like to get out of their hard space. I have helped this person many times before. They don’t like hard places, and I don’t like seeing them in a hard space. I have the ability to rescue them from their frustration and it’s hard to say no. Why should I have when they do not. I have the means to help and I have before. I have helped and given in a way that made this person have so many more opportunities – several times actually. If I help , won’t it give me an opportunity to speak into her life? To share with her what I think she needs to know about how to live her life?

Well, here’s what I’ve learned. I do have some of what she needs, but I cannot give her a shortcut. She has to experience all the hard steps of her life before she can have the clarity to know what she really needs to move forward. My getting her out of a frustrating day will not help her grow. I am not suggesting we don’t help those in need. I wish I could encourage everyone to open your eyes to the people right in front of you who you can bless. But I am finally learning that money does not buy happiness- not for myself or those I share it with. It can do some good things. But it can also be an unhelpful shortcut.

I had 4 hours to walk yesterday. I could have taken a shortcut, but I would have cheated myself from the last hour, when I listened to music and sang “I will always love you” at the top of my lungs. I was thinking of my friend who asked for help. I was wondering if she felt loved or rejected. The truth is, whether she knows it or not, I will always love her. No matter how many times she gets herself into bad situations. But I long for her to tune in to her “hard” long enough to gain clarity, understand what she needs, pursue it, and ultimately grow.

I will be walking for five hours each day of my long trek in the fall. Yesterday I walked four and my legs ached at the end. There will be alot of time in those days, and that will be one of the hardest part I think. It is difficult to be quiet and alone with our thoughts. It is lonely. I have wanted to be rescued from that space before, many times in the last 9 months, with a recent empty nest. It sure feels better to find needs and to answer everyone’s requests for help. I feel more valuable and wanted and purposeful. But I wonder if I need to be more slow to rescue, if there might be more opportunity for growth- if I am helpful in other, less monetary ways. I hate to sound like I think I know what’s best for someone who reaches out. I do not. But I do feel more comfortable digging deeper and looking for other ways to be present and helpful? Maybe?

Maybe I need to just continue practicing searching out the right response. Maybe my next response is a resounding “YES!!” that launches me into a space of hard work and sacrifice to help another who’s in a hard spot. For sure that is possible! But I know that just having some time and space helps give clarity and wisdom on what I need, what they need, how much is required for this situation, and how helpful it will be. I need time and space, even though it does not always feel as rewarding as helping.

We each have a bucket of GROW, I think. And GROW takes lots and lots and lots of time to absorb. I don’t want to have someone tell me that I can skip it by taking a vitamin or doing a workout or reading a book or taking whatever shortcut. That is not true. I want to learn all I can from every moment I am given. And I want those around me to too. So I should be careful to be mindful of robbing others of their opportunity to soak up their GROW, even though it will be hard. I will be careful of shortcuts, because shortcuts sometimes can steal the best parts of GROW.

This is hard, because it creates many conflicts in my own heart. Again, this blog is as much of a space for my own processing as anything. I may be the only one who understands it, but I am ok with that. Stay curious about your own musings. If you do not have space in your days to think, look for the ways to make some. Maybe there is a shortcut present that is robbing you of some GROW time?

Curious with you,

Joy

This pic was the last portion of a long hike my sister and I took last week, after learning we were not able to take the “shortcut” boat back. Six extra miles but the most beautiful bit!
Thoughts

Do you have a superpower? Are you using it?

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Trying to remain respectfully curious in a time of social media warfare

I might have found my superpower. Do you know what yours is?

Yesterday was so powerful for me. Perhaps it was for you too?

Lots of people have been celebrating while others mourn. Social media is the battleground. I spent 30 minutes on social media yesterday, and I spent 3 hours on Capitol Hill yesterday. My time on Capitol Hill was life-breathing for me. My time on social media was soul sucking. I would love to share a bit of my experience and process here with you.

A big thing happened in our country this week. Roe v. Wade was overturned. This is a huge victory for many of my loved ones and a huge loss for many who also are dear to me. Are you wondering where I stand? I am happy to share that I am pro-life and pro-choice. Are you frustrated with that response? Politics is NOT my superpower. “I am a lover, not a fighter,” is something I say often. If I am fighting, you can know I am in a place of stress, not health. Fighting wrecks me. Discussing with curiosity is about as close to debating as I get. My adult self shuts down, and my child self shows up.

No, my superpower is connecting. Yesterday I had the opportunity to participate in my first PRIDE festival. Our church, Mission Gathering Bellevue, had a booth there, reminding the LGBTQ+ people that they are loved. I have seen photos of moms giving out hugs at PRIDE festivals before, and I always thought I might like to be that person.

So, yesterday I had that opportunity. I stood in the sun and offered sweaty hugs to any who wanted or needed it. Turns out, a LOT of people wanted and needed hugs yesterday. I don’t know how many, but whenever I had the sign out, for probably 2 hours, there was a steady stream of people to whom I embraced with all that was in me. I told each one, “You are loved and celebrated.” They hugged me fiercely back.

Many stepped back and wiped away tears. Others said, “I think I might cry.” I was emotional the entire time. They needed it. I needed it. Maybe we all could use tight, accepting hugs right now. I locked eyes with others who looked like they may want a hug, but did not have the courage to leave their group–there was pain on their faces. I am not making this up to conjure emotion. Tears fill my eyes remembering them. I wish I could have given them a hug! I hope my eyes communicated love to their souls.

I know that quick, deep connection is a superpower of mine. I honestly felt what I imagine to be the “healing power of Jesus” yesterday exuding from me. I cannot prove that it WAS the healing power of Jesus, and I am not here to claim that it was. However, people were moved; I was moved. It was a tangible feeling. I know that we each needed those hugs; and it was SUCH a privilege that I was able to be the instrument.

What is your superpower? It is a tumultuous time, and it has been for some time. I fear what may come in our country, mostly because I love people who have differing views with myself and one another. Also, I know we need love–good ol’ hug love, sit around the table with a meal love. It is so evident to me. I perceive the vacuum in my heart as I read through social media posts. In my hesitantly shared opinion, I do not believe we need more platitudes. However, I am trying to remain curious in these spaces that are not my superpower or comfort zone.

Maybe your superpower is politics or debating. Do we need people with that superpower? Absolutely we do!! However, if your superpower is something else, is it possible you could be causing harm by posting on social media? I am not making any assumptions about you here. I just know, when I scroll and I feel emotions like sadness, anger, frustration, disappointment– that is a signal to stop and sit in curiosity about whether this post or comment will be helpful or just make me feel better. I am not always successful, but often if I just wait a day, the “need” to share will pass and my social media friendships remain intact.

Human beings are so amazing! We each have strengths that have come from SO many unique experiences. To assume I know what your superpower is would be silly. Only you can be curious about that. So, take time in this season of tumult to consider what your place is in this crazy world. Do you receive life from arguing on Facebook? Some people do! If you are one of those people, are you being kind in your communication to your fellow person? There is not much that takes the breath out of my lungs faster than seeing people I value being disrespectful to others on Facebook. I believe there is a way to “argue” and drive change with respect.

I will be driving change with hugs, because that’s what aligns with my superpowers. You be you though, but be curious! Make sure you are being you! And remember, “with great power comes great responsibility”– wise words of Uncle Ben from Spiderman.

Remaining Respectful and Curious with you,

Joy

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Did Covid Steal Your Relationships??

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Remember 2019? Who were you hanging with?

happy diverse friends laughing with smartphone at home
Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com

Do you still talk to them? Have you spent time with them in the last year? Have you felt comfortable spending time with anyone this last year?

My relationships have changed drastically in the last few years. Maybe it’s just me, but it kinda feels like I am starting from scratch in many ways, My circle seems to have shrunk considerably. Why is this?

Did I grow distant, or did they? Were they believers in masks or not? Am I an anti-vaxxer, or am I boosted up? Do they believe that Black Lives Matter, or do they believe “all lives matter”? Did I protest on the street or on Facebook? Did they? Are they pro-life or pro-choice? Am I? Do they say “gay” or not? What did I say? Do they see what I post? Did I see what they posted?

I am respectful of all the views represented above, and I realize I am not representing all the conflicts of the last few years.

While in “quarantine”, did we feel or hear or see one another? Feel each others’ warmth in an embrace? Hear each others’ tone in our whispers or shouts on Facebook? See the look of understanding in another’s eyes when we chose to be vulnerable? Did we hear them say, “I get it” or “I cannot imagine, but I’m here for you”? We lost much of that.

And maybe that loss makes us scared.

Are we scared that those old friends are no longer who we thought they were or scared that they are not “our people” any longer. Maybe we’re scared that they have become liberals, or scared that they have become conservatives? Perhaps we’re scared that they don’t even believe in God anymore? Are we scared that we cannot be comfortable with them any more?

Can we bring ourselves to engage again? All those that unsettle us, because of what they shared on social media…..Will we ever be together in a room again? I hope so. Can we talk like we used to talk? Maybe not.

But might we be respectfully curious? Are we able to kindly ask questions? Will we try to understand why? Can we let people be human? Is it possible to let them have their reasons? Will vulnerability find its place again?

I do not know, but I will continue to be…

Respectfully curious with you,

Joy