Hi, Everyone,

I thought I would share a reflection I was invited to share at church today. Thanks for reading.

When I was asked to talk today about resurrection and transformative love I considered what I would share. There are a variety of things I could share. Life is full of dying to an old way and living into a new way. I hope that my life will reflect millions of those patterns, exponentially as I get older. But I thought I would share three significant seasons that helped me become more open to these regular resurrection moments, big and small.

Love in my Spirit

The first “awakening” was back in my very evangelical time of life, about 20 years ago. My husband Chris was a huge C.S. Lewis fan at the time, and he had gone to several C.S. Lewis conferences. He really loved his times at these conferences, and so we decided to get childcare for our 3 very little kids and attend one with his parents. The conference was titled, “The Imaginative Worlds of C.S. Lewis and J.R.R. Tolkein.” I had never experienced anything like what that conference was. I remember Fernando Ortega was the resident artist, and there were speakers who were intellectual and also poetry readings. I kept thinking that I had never experienced a Christian conference where I did not feel like I needed to “work on something” or “repent”. I felt grace abound in the content, and it did awaken something in me. I literally wanted to engage with every person I met, with curiosity, love, and wonder at the creation that they were. I was not the same. I had become aware that there was a new kind of Christian event that made me a better human, without the guilt and shame. I began then to lose interest in the dogma that had kept me focused on my own limitations and shortcomings, and I wanted to press into the flow of humanity that invited the beauty of growth. The connections this group gave me contributed significantly to why I still have a faith in God today. The friendships that began there showed me a different kind of Christian community; and if I hadn’t experienced it, I think I would have attached all of Christianity to the rigidity of the fundamentalism I had known before. I am grateful to have had this experience that moved me from a world of shame to an openness to other God perspectives that keep me interested in Them.

Love in my Body

The second season I wanted to share was about 9 years ago. While the first experience was more spiritual, this was more connected to a personal, bodily awakening. Robin Williams had just passed away, and many were sharing about depression on social media. At the same time, a leader of a fundamentalist movement I had been involved in as a youth was exposed for thirty something sexual harassment allegations. Also, I was on a worship team and the leader was asked to resign due to indiscretions with another team member. The world as I knew it, my present leaders, my past leaders, and a respected celebrity had brought some clarity. There was much wrong with the world, and Robin’s quotes and stories about him helped me become aware that loved people can still have mental health challenges. I realized I was depressed and had been for some time. I decided to start seeing a therapist (which was very scary for me). We discussed my story: who I was, what I wanted, etc. I was made aware that I did not know the answers to any of these questions. I only had known how to be who others wanted me to be. I had grown up in a world of conservative religion where I thrived in being the person that did more than I was told, did things before I was asked, and worked hard to consider others more important than myself. That got me success in those places, but in reality I was very out of touch with my own self. The two big leaders being exposed made me realize I had lost myself in service to others and I had become a victim of a toxic system. I had learned to behave, submit, and be as completely selfless as I could manage; but I hated myself and could do nothing outside of someone else’s need. I was anxious, depressed, unhappy, and realized my “joy” was limited to being happy when others I helped were happy with me. My time in therapy has helped me grow in love for me. I can be alone with myself and enjoy it, which was not possible before. I have grown in understanding of who I am, what I like, and what I don’t like. I still sometime struggle with boundaries, but I am getting better. I am realizing what is appropriate and celebrating my likes and dislikes. I have left the old mindset of who I was, and I feel more comfortable honoring my needs so I can live in love for myself, others, and the world. My new love for myself allows mistakes, realizing growth comes through victories AND challenges. The important thing is to remain open to learning in all of life, not expecting perfection but humanness.

Love Discovered Through Practice

The last experience of awakening and transformation was more of an active practice. Many of you know that a friend and I walked across Spain about a year and a half ago. It was 500 miles done in 32 days, and was super impactful. People have asked what it was that was so “life changing.” There isn’t an easy answer, but it has something to do with the grounding practice of walking 15-22 miles for 29 of 32 days, WITHOUT a giant AHA moment. The plodding sound of our feet. The beauty of the landscape surrounding us. The sound of cow bells as cows literally were herded along beside us. The taste of red wine, poured out of a pitcher at our nightly dinners. The groans that come from sore muscles and joints. The conversations and laughter with fellow “pilgrims” at the hostels and along the path. We walked through the rain, got blisters, ate not great food most of the trip, and many days were just plain boring. Walking into the city of Santiago at the close of our journey was pretty anti-climactic with no fanfare for our huge accomplishment– just a few photos, a hug from a couple we had met along the way, and a long wait in a line to receive our certificate. However, in the days after, as I processed the trip, I realized how it had changed me. It was a concentrated life experience that mirrored reality. It was not cluttered by entertainment, duties, expectations, or any other of life’s distractions. It was simple but significant. All we had to do those 32 days was walk from where we were to our next destination. All day. Every day. We ate, we walked, we slept, and we fellowshipped. But we also walked 500 flippin miles across Spain! The mundane, yet intentional movement got us a hella long way.

 I think that transformation is inevitable. It does not have to occur through excessive productivity or success in the world’s terms. Transformation and awakening by love might just as likely come from a partner making you coffee in the morning, a child relaying something that is important to them, a chat with a friend, or a morning walk to get your body moving. I used to thrive on people pleasing and acquiring kudos by overextending myself. What other’s thought or needed was the drive that kept me going, and if I didn’t have approval, I sunk into despair. These old ways still occasionally show up, but I can spot them more quickly now. I also am way more comfortable with the boring day to day, doing what I enjoy and trying to care for my needs and help those close to me. I make daily mistakes but try to keep an attitude of forgiveness for myself and others. I am no longer focused on fixing everyone else, preventing problems (of mine or others), or performing the way others think I should. Instead, I am more comfortable admitting I have needs and working to prioritize those needs. I HAVE been awakened by love and am open to letting it transform me. I am slowly breaking free from the old bondage of the past, and pursuing a more sustainable, peaceful, life of love.

It has been awhile since I initially wrote the thoughts below this paragraph. The original words came from a place of recent, deep hurt. So, I have given it lots of time and rereads. I also have REALLY appreciated the encouragement I have received from my last post. Many have reached out in love and kindness, and that has provided healing to my soul. Lastly, I realize that ALL of the church is not responsible for all harsh treatment of the LGBTQ+ community. There is a spectrum that goes from “shunning” or “turning over to Satan in hopes for repentence” on one side and moves with many stops all the way to some that are in “full celebration and inclusion of the LGBTQ community.” Many are somewhere along that spectrum and are really trying to understand how best to love this community that is different than they are. I really appreciate this spectrum, and I hope this post is helpful. It is only my personal experience, but I will be as honest as I can be.

Previously written post (edited)

At the risk of overwhelming, I add this post. I wrote this a few months ago after a very hard interaction with old friends. The previous post I shared has been written (except for the last bit) for about a year or so. I struggled to know if I should just share that one or this one, or both. If it is too much, forgive my humanity. I share with hopes that it will create curiosity, context, and compassion.

Have you ever had thoughts about people who have left the church? Have you ever looked up and realized they were gone, and wondered why? Or maybe you have known why, and shook your head in disappointment. There are many reasons people may leave a church, and I am not suggesting that pursuing those people is always necessary. However, it might be nice to consider whether they are hurting. I remember having judgmental assumptions of people who had been hurt by the church before I became one of those hurt myself. Judgments such as: Those people were weak in their walk with God, easily wounded, quick to embrace a bitter spirit, etc. And those people were definitely on a slippery slope. I am sorry to admit that these things ever crossed my mind, but they did, especially when I was much younger.

I have now become those people I used to judge. I have never been hurt so deeply as I have since coming out in support of my daughter. Actually, “we” because my husband has experienced it too. He used to be pretty oblivious to emotions, even his own. His dad has a funny story about him wondering aloud why emotions were even necessary. In our marriage, I have had more than enough for both of us. But, this journey has been really tough on some of our most precious relationships, and we’re continuing to navigate these emotions as the conflicts and confrontations never seem to completely stop. (Yes, I realize that posts like this may encourage more confrontations :)).

I want to re-emphasize that almost all of our family is willing to be with us at gatherings. They seem genuinely interested in our lives and our kids’ lives, even though things have changed. We have become more “liberal,” and I imagine that can be tough for some of them to accept. But I am grateful that they have not let us go or “turned us over to Satan”. We feel loved by them. However, I cannot say the same for some of our past closest church friends.

I do not mean to whine. This has been the hardest piece to share, because it feels so whiny. However, I know this is a common experience for queer people and families who support their LGBTQ kids. I believe something needs to change! I really hope that my experience will help those who are respectfully curious to have a deeper empathy for what people in their congregations may be going through. Or maybe some will have a clearer understanding about why people connected to this issue have left their churches. And that leads me to this most honest letter.

Dear Church,

Why do you assume YOU KNOW how people should live their lives? Based on our experience, why do you not allow us to support and celebrate our child’s beautiful life? “But the Bible says,” you may say. With respect, do you fully understand the Bible? And if you’re taking it so literally, do you practice everything it says? Or does “the other” just make you uncomfortable, because it’s not something you’ve experienced?

“God said it. I believe it. That settles it?” “I let the Bible dictate my life?” Here are a few challenges that took me about 5 minutes and admittedly are shallow examples.

Do you eat pork?
Do you submit to your husband?
Do you love your wife as Christ loved the church?
Do you sacrifice a perfect lamb on the alter every year for your sins?
Oh, Jesus fulfilled that need? Ok.

Jesus’ words come to mind actually:

Do you “Let those without sin cast the first stone?”
Do you first remove the log from your eye before pursuing the speck in your brother’s eye?
Do you “Judge not so that you will not be judged?”
Do you, “Love your neighbor?”

There are 6 verses in the Bible about “homosexuality” (Actually, that word was not used until the more modern interpretations, beginning in 1946– see the film 1946 when you get the chance). Many believe (myself included) that those verses are not addressing being gay in a monogamous, committed relationship. There are many scholars who believe that those verses are addressing something very different than a monogamous, committed relationship. If you are willing to explore, their arguments are compelling. For resources, see this post https://respectfullycurious.com/curious-about-knowing-part-2/

In light of the fact that many don’t agree in this area,

Dear Church,

Your treatment of this people group and those who celebrate them is an arrogant position and causing harm.

Hard words to take

Here are some things that have felt hurtful that have all come from Christian “love”:

1)“I just need to let you know, I don’t agree with you on this. ”
2)“You don’t believe the Bible.”
3) “You are living in sin, and until you repent, you are out of fellowship.”
4)“You can continue to lead your small group, but if anyone in your group has a child dealing with this issue, we would ask you to send them to our elder board instead of discussing it with them.”
5)“I honestly don’t know what to do with you.”
6)“We are concerned for you.”
7) “God still loves you even if you find yourself off course.”
8)“We wish you would have told us earlier what you were going through, so we could have prayed for your daughter to have a change of heart.”
9)“I had to reach out, because I didn’t know if anyone was telling you the truth— that you are in sin.”
10)“God has been leading me to write this for years, and I finally had the courage to share it with you.”

Additionally, we have experienced an enormous amount of ghosting. Maybe that just happens over time, but it’s been a whole lot of people. Also, you may read some of these and wonder why they were hurtful. All I can say is, these are the comments that have created feelings enough to remember them. I am sensitive, and I could flush out the context of these comments; but I won’t take time for that here. I am happy to chat about it if you are respectfully curious. Just know that they were hard to take in the moment. This also is not an exhaustive list, but they include sentiments that are more common responses from church friends.

I have known those who have not experienced any harm from religion. I am a bit jealous of them. I sometimes feel I am grasping onto a faith that I want to trust has more to it than the people who claim to belong to it. Because the truth is, they are the source of hurt for us, not healing. Our journey with our own kids, it turns out, has been the easiest part! The “punishment” we have received from those who would have claimed to be our closest friends is the much harder part.

I know there has been much great work done by Christians through the years. However, often if you dig a little, it is easy to uncover tremendous power mongering and harm. Many organizations are run by the walking wounded, as podcasts, documentaries, and personal experience affirm. Some want our country to be a Christian nation, with a Christian leader, Christian beliefs for laws, etc. I believe our country should remain a place for all to live freely. Some sects of Christianity are not comfortable trusting people to explore and understand God in ways different than their own. Exploring different perspectives and shifting one’s belief comes at a cost in these communities. That has felt very real these last few years to Chris and me.

Dear Church,

I understand now when Jesus said to Peter, “No, to forgive 7 times isn’t enough. But 70 times 7. “ Because the harms will come
and come
and come.
And forgiveness (the process, not the quick fix) does bring freedom. It seems He knew that we would have to keep forgiving.

Dear Church,

Please stop believing it is your job to save people. Please stop believing it is your job to police people’s life choices. It is not. I believe it is your job to shine your light in dark, hopeless places, as Christ said, “A city on a hill cannot be hidden.” It is not your job to convict. It is your job to love people, even if they don’t agree with you. “Loving” them by telling them they are wrong is not love. Loving them by refusing to associate without reminding them they are in sin is not love. If you know a grown person who is behaving a way that you don’t like, too bad. If you have children, you need to learn this before they are adults; or you will learn it the hard way after. Grown people are responsible for their own actions and beliefs. Only they and God can change their beliefs. They likely have reasons for their beliefs. Trust them. If they are wrong, they will learn without your “encouragement.” Every confrontation, controlling comment, and quiet gossip for the “prayer chain” is immature, manipulative, and pushing them farther away from you and God. You become unsafe, and they will not come back.

I am grateful now to belong to a church that doesn’t claim to know how people should live. They do claim to love people. And ALL are welcome. Yes, Liberals, Evangelicals, Buddists, Jesus lovers, Queer people, Republicans and Conservatives, and SO many more. ALL ACTUALLY MEANS ALL at our church, and I love that about it. And there are beautiful rainbow people to be in community with, so you can grow in empathy for people different than you.

Forgive my rant. I am licking very recent wounds of heartache and loss. I am learning better boundaries, and I am learning to leave people who are keeping to themselves alone, even if I miss them. I also try to remember that they are all doing what they believe is right. I remember I used to behave in similar ways, but I never want to again. When you experience the pain, you know.

Words that heal

These are words that have blessed us on this journey. They are ALMOST as impactful as the hurtful words. When I get a little more mature, I’m sure they will be WAY more impactful :).

Dear Church, and others,

Thank you for your kindness and grace. Here are a few things you have said that have blessed us.

1)”I want you to know, I stand with you in support.” 2) “Congratulations!!!” 3) “How is Cailin doing?” 4) “How can we show love to Cailin?” 5) “I can’t know what I would do if it were me.” 6) “All we know is we love you all.” 7) “Let me give you a hug.”

On those healing words, I will end. Thank you to those who spoke them to us. Hopefully a little will be learned here, but I know it is not my job to change the church or anyone. I hope my experience is helpful. May we have compassion for each other in these challenging times.

This year was my favorite Christmas so far! I had all my kids home for several days. Everyone had a good time, and no family feuds occurred, that I know of anyway :). Even my husband and I communicated well and functioned on the “same team”, which doesn’t always happen. Also, our family is different than I imagined when I was a younger parent.

I am a mom that is “dang crazy” about her kids! I think that they know this, and of course I know that they are not perfect; but I truly think they all are AMAZING people! (Their partners are excellent too ❤️). If I told them how often I consider how cool they are, they would definitely say I was being “weird.” Suffice it to say, I am SO proud of each of them!!! But my awesome family looks different than I imagined it would look.

I remember being a young mom a lot of years ago. We invited a pastor and his family over for lunch after Sunday church. This man so clearly De-LIGHTED in his kids! It was inspiring and deeply blessed me. He would say, “_______, show Joy and Chris how you _______,” or “__________, tell Joy and Chris about when you __________!” I decided then that I wanted to be THAT kind of parent. He delighted in his kids like I hoped God delighted in me. I wanted my kids to feel that from me.

My family is not perfect. But we all love each other. I expect we do not all agree on all things. But my hope is that we all feel like we are in each other’s “corner.” The world is a difficult place. Home and family should be safe.

What have you imagined life would be like? Could you have fulfilled those dreams? Why didn’t you? Was it because you couldn’t or did you choose not to? Maybe it required some grieving, or you still need to find space for that? Or maybe your heart has grown 2 sizes like the Grinch :). Maybe your family is not what you imagined, but maybe it feels nice, with more room for love and curiosity.

I do not believe our imaginings for ourselves and others are likely to EVER turn out like we imagine. WHY? Because we are changing and so are they. And we are us and they are them. We may try to make them us? But they will always be them. We can clinch more tightly for control, or we can start asking questions about why we are grasping so desperately. We could lean in and learn more about who they are.

It takes me awhile sometimes to relax my clinched fists and find respectful curiosity; but when I do, I find capacity for things like understanding and empathy, peace and love, surrender and acceptance of myself and others. These remind me of a familiar list: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, faith, and self-control. I am grateful for it. Here’s to even less fist clinching in 2023.

Respectfully curious with you,

Joy

The last few days and really every day of El Camino can be described as simple but hard. We have to get ourselves from the starting point to the destination, and we have to find our place of rest and food. It’s pretty basic.

However, yesterday our reservation got overlooked, so we arrived in a very small town with no place to stay. After calling everywhere else, our only option was the church location run by volunteers. Thankfully they had space for us. We’d had a significant climb, so we didn’t feel up to walking to a further village.

Instead of a private room like we’d reserved (see, we do enjoy a private bathroom now and then 😊), we ended up in another room full of bunks with about ten other pilgrims. It worked out fine, and we were so thankful to have a place.

Today we set out early. We had been told that it would be the most difficult day we had ahead of us. There were miles of steep downhill, rocky trails, that were hard on the feet and knees. We managed to survive the long day. We were joined by friends for part of it, which is always a good distraction.

It was hard, but it was simple. There were not many decisions to think through, except the knowledge that one foot in front of the other is the only way to get to our nice bed. It wasn’t complicated, however each step getting there was felt in a tangible, even painful way.

Sometimes, in my normal life, I get so stressed about which path is the right one. This Camino journey has been really stress free in a strange, but refreshing way. It has reminded me that most of my life is really about the discipline of putting one foot in front of the other. Those steps might be hard and painful, but I think I often have more clarity than I want to admit. It’s just a matter of pushing through the hard, obvious work ahead with confidence.

It’s hard, but simple. And dang it if there aren’t a thousand beautiful things to behold along the way, if I don’t forget to keep my eyes open!

Until next time, Buen Camino!

At the risk of sharing Camino secrets, I have to say that today and yesterday have held some very special moments. Both days we have stayed in the common sleeping spaces verses staying in a private room. Both days we have had dinner, provided by our albergue host, around a single table with our fellow peregrinos.

There are lots of opportunities for “magic” on the Camino, if we are open and willing to receive it. It also comes with some small costs, just like real life.

What is this magic? It’s a table full of pilgrims all making this journey for a variety of reasons, from 5 different countries, laughing together! It’s an albergue host, telling us about the stone she left at the cross during her own Camino, after crying daily for her father who had passed. She said a weight was lifted that day, and she was happy the rest of her journey. She lived in Brazil at the time, but moved here to open an albergue to serve other peregrinos. “Just for today” is the English translation for the name of the albergue, and it’s an appropriate mantra for El Camino, as well as our time in her home.

The meal she made for us was so special and delicious, maybe my favorite of all we’ve had. As we ate we discussed the fact that we are in our last 10 days. One lady at our table was a lady we roomed with the very first evening. We talked about those first few days, and how it might feel when we get to the end. She said sadly, “I may never see you all again.”

People bring the magic. Our individual journeys, shared experiences, and beautiful moments together. It cost us a little alone time and some euros. But it was so beautiful and powerful. We had a similar experience last night.

You don’t know what you’ll get in these moments around a pilgrim table, but I’ve been glad to have taken the risk. I hope to take this practice of being more “open” home with me.

Buen Camino!

El Camino is a task that doesn’t diminish without effort. Our guys left, so distraction is less. There is nothing for us to do but finish this thing.

The last week or so we have been in “the Meseta”. It is the plains of Spain, thankfully without the rain this time 😊. It is pretty in a simple way, but not as breathtaking as previous sections. We also have had our fair share of heat and flies in this portion.

Can you believe we have only 290 ish of 800 kilometers to go? Our bodies have held up, for the most part. They ache in places, but we realize now that that’s part of the journey.

Some days feel long, but overall, the time has passed quickly. It feels like we still have a good chunk left, but I feel more confident that we will finish. It’s nice to have that fear of not finishing start to lessen.

I’m lying on a bunk bed, after showering and washing some clothes, smelling something aMAZing that is going to be dinner! My dear friend is with me, we have 10 days left, and feelings are bittersweet! I know there are still wonderful things yet to come on this last third of our journey, even if it’s more of the same.

Because the same is actually pretty awesome: people together on a journey of healing and self discovery, bodies and minds growing stronger in spite of the pain, learning the “grind” is full of beauty, discipline, and renewal. I’m beyond grateful.

Until next time! Buen Camino!

I thought it would be fun to share some things that you might not know about this journey. At least these are some things that have been interesting to me!

We walk and talk with all kinds of people, and sometimes we walk alone. The Camino has proven to draw a very diverse crowd. You might think it would draw a particular type of person, but reflective of reality, ALL types of people choose to do this pilgrimage for ALL types of reasons. We have come across old and young, a variety of religions, non-religious folks, gay and straight people, professionals and unemployed, tour groups and loners, as well as a representation of many different countries. Reasons to walk El Camino span everything from finding peace after a loss, to accomplishing something challenging during retirement, to acquiring atonement for sins, finding oneself, and more. Fitness levels are not a thing to be judged. In fact, so far I have counted 18 men with white hair who “sail” past me on the Camino (it’s a game I’m playing). I guess that probably says more about my fitness level 😂 than theirs. Bob in the below pic is 81 and retired military. He also moved past us after visiting for awhile.

Mealtimes aren’t normal for me. Lunch is 2-3ish and dinner isn’t until 7:30 or 8pm. Also, don’t think about shopping for toothpaste or anything else when you arrive to town mid afternoon, because everything is closed due to siesta. Remember learning about that in Geography? It’s a thing, and it’s been inconvenient on a regular basis 😂.

Sleeping in a big room with all your pilgrim friends, all genders, is very normal. Yes, you’ll be serenaded by snores, tossing and turning, coughs, etc.; but you’ll be so tired that you will get some sleep.

Sometimes there are all gender bathrooms, and it’s not even a “thing.”They aren’t called “all gender.” The Albergue we’re I’m currently staying is not the first where I have been “doing my business” in a stall or taking a shower in a stall next to a person of a different gender. It’s very normal, and it would be weird for it to make me uncomfortable. So it doesn’t 😊. Occasionally a door doesn’t even get shut 😂.

The pharmacists here seem more like nurse practitioners. I expect our pharmacists in the U.S. are as capable, but the pharmacies here are purely focused on meeting medical needs. You can be sure that if you’re suffering from an ailment and you have an interpreter (or Google translate), you will leave with items meant to fix you! (On a side note, my blisters are healing well, thanks to their “miracle ointment.”) However, don’t expect to find a snack to hold you over until 8pm dinner, because you’ll be disappointed. It’s not CVS!

This pilgrimage has been a practice for many “Peregrinos” for over a thousand years. Many of the towns we walk through are very small and likely would have no livelihood without El Camino de Santiago. The Spanish people are very kind and gracious to us now, as they have been for centuries. For example, this bridge was commissioned by a queen 1100 years ago for the pilgrims to have an easy path in and out of the city.

Another type of encouragement that we get from the locals is the occasional “beep beep beep” of a horn as they drive by! It is a treat on a hard day, knowing they are cheering us on. Also, there is the occasional food truck with bananas, boiled eggs, and even fresh orange juice! It is so awesome to round a bend and encounter one of these food trucks!

Meals are cheap here, especially when purchasing the “menu of the day!” Tonight I paid 12 euro, which equals close to $12. I got a bowl of pumpkin soup, delicious bread, chicken, salad, vanilla pudding, and wine! It will be tough returning to the U.S. prices for restaurant food!

I hope these curiosities have been of interest. They don’t include all the new things I’ve encountered but are several things that I have thought unique to this experience.

Our big news for today is we passed the halfway mark today!! We have traversed over 250 miles of the Camino!! There was something that felt really great about being over halfway done. And Chris comes tomorrow to experience a few days with me! Lance joined us yesterday, and will be here for a week. It’s great to break up the trip with some favorite visitors!

Until next time, Buen Camino!

Today has been interesting. I had a restless night of sleep. We walked over 20 miles yesterday, with achey feet, chafing blisters, and no shade. I know our pictures are full of beauty and fun, but we plodded into town after 5pm, very tired and hurting.

I pulled off my shoe, and my least offensive blister had doubled in size to a little over a quarter-sized “growth” on the side of my heel. Gross! We struggled to have the energy to shower, but managed to get it done. Sweaty clothes had to wait to get washed, however. We just didn’t have it in us.

By the time we had taken a short rest, it was time to head down to dinner. We had a sweet time with one of our old pilgrim friends from the second day. She was so sweet and it is fun to come across others on the way that we haven’t seen in awhile. She was a bright spot in my “cloudy” space. After dinner we went straight to bed. Our alarm was set for 5:30am, because we had a similar day, minus 3km, planned for today.

When the alarm woke us up, I had to share with Theressa that I thought we needed a rest.

I immediately felt shame, and wanted to change my mind.

Why?

Why do I feel badly for speaking up when I know what I need? I had to coach myself through the emotions that threatened to spew all around. Thankfully, we survived myself.

I feel like it was perhaps as hard to say I needed a break as it would have been to walk the 19 miles.

But this is the journey of El Camino. It is a journey of grace and trust, patience and learning, strength and humility, and more. It surpasses the simplicity of grit gained after a hard race. Life is more, if I can remain open to receive it.

Buen Camino

Some days are rainy. They sometimes inspire fear and loneliness in people like me. My husband and daughter love the rain! But it is different when there are miles to walk under the weeping skies.

Yesterday and today were just such days. My legs and feet feel pretty good, but I was afraid that would not stay the case if I had to walk for 2 days in wet shoes.

However, on El Camino there aren’t really short cuts. I mean, you can skip the walking with a taxi to the next town, but that’s not really a necessity for me at this point. Rain does make me aware that there could be long days of hard ahead. Fear wells up, and catastrophic thinking sets in.

I spent the first few hours crying with the skies. It seemed appropriate to “let some feels out” while nobody watched. I noticed my fears and sadness, and considered what would be helpful. For me, music is an easy reset. So, instead of listening to my audible book I turned up the tunes.

Shortly after, we stopped for breakfast. We saw some other pilgrims we knew, and had some laughs about the rainy weather. Somehow, things didn’t feel too bad anymore. By the time we arrived at our destination, I was downright cheery!

This journey is so good for me. Taking life so slowly helps me to be mindful of all that is happening. It is really difficult to to do this in normal life, with so many distractions and duties to adequately perform. Life is good! Buen Camino!