Belonging is powerful. I have mentioned in previous posts the relationship challenges we have had with our Christian community, only after we came out in support of LGBTQ people. People have disappointed us, and we have disappointed them. I have done much soul searching as I try to understand what my relationship with God looks like now. I think I was quite a codependent, and perhaps my identity as a Christian was more about being in the right group than actually standing up for what I believed in. When you don’t belong where you once did and when the previous comfortable community has left, it really does make you think about what you believed and why you believed it. I know deconstruction is a term that is loaded, but it has been a helpful concept for me. I mean, if God is who we believed him to be, he will hold up under it, right?
I still feel hope in my gut that God is real and there is love and joy and peace and patience, kindness, gentleness, and self control, that reflects a soul that is god filled. And one of the reasons I feel hope of that is the church, or Christians. So here is another side of the “Dear Church” letters that I am happy to share.
I have a job supporting foster families. Many of them are Christians. I watch them day after day care for kids who are not theirs. They manage difficult behaviors with grace, and they love kids for days, weeks, months, and years. And then they often have to give them back, sometimes with grieving hearts but committed to having no strings attached. They surrender hearts full of fear for outcomes they can’t know or control. It is a constant toll, but they keep doing it until they cannot do it anymore. They do it, because something calls them to it–something or someone. Watching these people choose to do this hella hard work is bringing healing to my wounded soul, because this love… doesn’t make sense.
I have been attending a church for a few years that is small and still finding its footing. Its members are few. Most are hurting from a variety of church wounds, many in the LGBTQ+ community. But it remains a church- a place of faith in the Christian God. It looks different from any church I had previously attended. There is much hope, but zero judgment. Some in the church say they may not be alive were it not for the support they received there. I joined a Bible “restudy” the other night where I heard very different interpretations of Bible verses. Remaining open to the possibility of the reality of God gave me the desire to attend this sweet space where questions and imperfections were allowed. This has brought healing and hope to me.
My daughter’s family has been attending a church in their area, and I have been joining them when I am able. It feels more like “church” than the other one, for better or worse. Sometimes I don’t know if I can honestly sing all the songs. But when they sing Brandi Carlile’s Highwomen’s “Crowded Table” https://g.co/kgs/USQWGw6 I try to belt it as I tear up. They have been feeding hundreds of local houseless folks breakfast every Sunday morning for decades. They are an ecumenical church and very diverse. I was singing about God’s love while there recently, and I felt a very real warmth. Maybe it was simply a feeling, but it seemed like something in me was healing.
I really do not believe I can know if there is a God or not. I cannot be sure if my experiences with spirituality are from God or coincidence. I have feelings, but they may just be feelings. But I am open to the possibility. I think that is a place I would choose to be–more open.
Dear Church, Thanks to those of you who are able to care for the children who are displaced by things outside their control. It isn’t easy. There are people of faith and not of faith loving these kids, but most of the you I engage with are people of faith. And all of the you who do it seem to be called by something or someone. Thank you for sharing with me this healing love as I see you loving your kids.
Dear Church, https://missiongathering.com/mg-bellevue/Thank you for making a safe space for those who have been wounded by religion. Thank you for being aware of each potential trigger, and thank you for training people to be emotionally in tune with themselves and one another. Thank you for creating a very safe space for curiosity and healing love.
Dear Church, https://www.urbangrace.org/Thank you for pushing through hard seasons and sticking together. Thank you for feeding the needy in your city. Thank you for singing songs about God’s love, and creating a space where this love is able to be felt. Thank you for welcoming my kids. Thank you for showing me another kind of church that eminates a love less stringint or dependent on conditions.
Dear Church, You have helped me not give up this search for understanding God. This love that you show is a beautiful part of life where I want to belong. Is it just about the community? Am I just codependent? Perhaps. But it seems proven that people need each other, and it seems a reality that we were made to belong. Belonging and God can still be in the same space for me, thanks to these fine folks :).