I imagine if you are at all invested in my blogposts and if you are at all affiliated with the church, you may feel like sitting ducks. Believe it or not, I am the last person that would want to be the cause of that feeling in you. I wanted to take this breather between “Dear Church” posts to say that while I have been busy, I have not been in a hurry to put that next post out. I typically prefer to behave myself, and sharing the next post feels a little like talking back to my Mama. And that didn’t fly in our house! 🙂
I am a bit of a chicken, but I also think it is OK to sit on my feelings for awhile and consider others. Man, emotions are SO heightened these days, and it is easy to want to react versus sit and take a minute. We are so quick to jump into whatever camp we feel most comfortable in, instead of leaving space for the challenges that the folks on the other side might be going through. So, I have been mulling over how my post might have been difficult for some. I also wonder how many will even read another post. But it really does not matter. I put these thoughts out in case they are helpful, and I hope they are. It does take courage, and courage takes time. That is probably the main reason for the delay. This is not the next scary post, but a pause for additional thoughts.
My sincere hope is that anyone willing to read would know that my intent is not to be mean or hurtful. It is hard to have someone accuse you of wrong, especially if you feel like you are sacrificing what feels good to do the right thing. I know my generalizing of the church may have been hard to take, because of this truth. Ironically, I completely understand and have also felt this sentiment. It was not my intent to generalize or assume that all church attendees were in the group that was causing harm. My hope, though, is to reach some people who are curious or don’t know, who may be open to discover what is hurtful and what is not.
Thoughts within thoughts
One thing I have found interesting is this. I suspect that if I had been quiet about my position of support for my daughter and her wife, I would have experienced something very different from the church friends. My daughter could be herself, and live her life; and I could probably even be in wedding photos. I feel fairly certain that it is the “loud” support that has created problems for myself. I really struggle with this reality and would like to be wrong about it. I understand that celebrating sin is not cool. I would never celebrate a murder or abusive behavior. Some may feel that my support is the same as doing that. That is an extreme example, but I think many communities I have been a part of would equate my support with supporting a heinous crime.
One of the books I read in my journey was God and the Gay Christian, by Matthew Vines. I read the last chapter where the author, who had same sex attraction AND loved the Bible, pleaded with those willing to support to support loudly. I felt compelled to do so, though it took me awhile. Courage takes time. He really felt the pain of not being allowed to serve in ministry and not even being able to darken the door of some churches, due to his honesty about who he was. Would he have been welcome to serve if he had stayed closeted? Most definitely.
This is similar to the conflict I encounter when I am open about my support. If I kept it secret, I would be welcome in all my old circles of friendship and service. But my integrity keeps me from those relationships. This is really something, isn’t it? I don’t feel it makes a lick of sense. But it is what it is.
Ok, I’ll try to get my nerve up to share my now VERY edited letter to the church :). I know it won’t be as cool as Peter or Paul’s. Take a deep breath, church people. And remember, I love y’all! AND when I am not out of town, I still go to church :).
This is at the Seattle Pride Parade about a month ago. Do we look happy? We are. We have been through the backlash of shifting our perspective, and we have survived. We have more grey hair; our bodies are rounder; but we are not looking back. This picture was taken after I hugged approximately 100 people who are part of the LGBTQ+ community. I wrote a post about it last year as well https://respectfullycurious.com/do-you-have-a-superpower-are-you-using-it/. I do not know if there is any exercise that feels more spiritual than giving these marginalized people a huge squeeze, while telling them that they are loved and celebrated. It is a huge privilege, and I do not take lightly that these folks are open to a hug from a random mom.
But now back to the story.
Family
After Cailin came out to her siblings we decided together it was time to “come out” to the extended family and friends. We called our parents and siblings. We live across the country, so in person was not an easy option. In hindsight, we probably made many mistakes in this space; but we did the best we knew at the time.
I’ll never forget that day. Having all of those conversations was really hard. We empathized with our family members, remembering what it was like to be “on the other side” without having reason to explore anything different. Our ability to consolidate the previous year and a half of prayer and processing into words was limited and lacking I’m sure. I imagine they felt a bit blindsided and disappointed that we did not give them opportunity to contribute more to the process. However, we had navigated it the only way we knew how. We were not willing to compromise Cailin’s privacy, and it had been a really challenging season for us. We only had capacity to hunker down and work together, just us and Cailin and God. Too many voices in that space is overwhelming, and we were overwhelmed already. If ya know, ya know.
For the most part after that day we felt loved by our families. I am very grateful for the kindness our family has shown us, and we have few negative memories of those conversations. I’m sure we mostly survived them. I do remember we ordered deep dish pizza for dinner and watched “Derry Girls” that evening. We wanted comfort food and something funny to lift us out of our feels.
Since that difficult day nearly 4 years ago (it was Labor Day, 2019, I think), we have been through many challenging interactions with well-meaning people. After our initial communication, we had a number of responses that were difficult, including phone calls, letters, emails, etc. Some of the things that were said to us we will never forget, because they really hurt. We have had ups, like the above picture at the parade; and we have had downs, each time we have someone reach out with “concerns”. We are constantly learning and growing, hopefully in love and grace and forgiveness. But it is not always easy, and we are trying to remain respectfully curious.
I will write one more post (I think :)) on this topic. Adding to this one would make it too long. Thank you for reading. I hope my experience encourages you to be more respectfully curious about the humans in your world.
After the Pride Parade! Drinks and snacks with some of our favorites!
In thinking about the “start” of this journey of mine, I felt the need to connect with my daughter to confirm that my memories were accurate, and to hear from her about her experience with such “knowledgable” parents 😅. It gave me an excuse to hang out with her on a beautiful afternoon while she tended to her booth. She sells stuff! Check out her website http://www.cailinrenee.com.
She straightened me out on a couple details of my previous post, and we just reminisced a bit. I asked her if there were things that loomed large in her memory, positive or negative. One positive that she shared was that we encouraged her to find a therapist, and we let her choose which one. I had been seeing a therapist for a few years by this point, and we had seen the value of therapy for any and everyone!! I was glad that was a positive experience, and therapy is still a valuable thing for our family! Cailin is now herself a therapist, helping young people through their own challenges! https://www.restresiliencerecovery.com/
Another thing she remembered was her dad saying that he was 95% sure about where he stood on LGBTQ matters, and he did not expect that his perspective would change on the topic. He delivered this graciously, albeit honestly; and he also is learning all that he did not really know. In fact, he is taking leadership this PRIDE month at his place of work, and I am so proud of his “out” leadership in this space!
Another thing we discussed was why I was even sharing this stuff? It is really personal stuff, and it is risky to throw such vulnerable experiences and memories to the public. She related as she also has put herself “out there” in posts, but we also discussed the value of contributing toward a more vulnerable humanity –thank you, Brene Brown, for bringing value to vulnerability! http://www.brenebrown.com
Ok, now to the rest of the story…well not the rest, but to the next bit. After Cailin came out, I launched into research mode. I had done all I had known to do to raise kids who would fit into the mold I knew was correct. Now my kid tells me that she doesn’t fit that mold. Wait. What?
I needed to make sense of some things.
I need to explain what, in hindsight, I realize was happening in my body– a little thing known as a stressor. I had built my safe little kingdom in my family, that created a space where I was viewed positively. (What people think is important to me– I admit, too important.) Our family was an example of a pretty pristine evangelical family, and we had the community to back that up. Also, I had a view of how my kids’ lives were going to work out, thanks to our guardrails of knowing. The new realization that I had a gay child challenged all of those things. My response to this “threat” to my “safety” was to pursue more knowing. I needed to get back my high place of knowledge and regain my comfort.
I started with the book Torn, by Justin Lee. It was the first experience I had with learning about someone who had grown up with same sex attraction, without any sexual abuse, in a Christian, loving environment. It was the first book that opened me up to all I did NOT know in this LGBTQ+ space. Check it out here: https://geekyjustin.com/books/torn/
Secondly, I read a book called People to Be Loved, by Preston Sprinkle. It was helpful, because it was a pretty sophisticated treatment of the 6 verses in the Bible that deal with same sex behaviors. Also, the author was non-affirming, so I could learn from someone that I felt I could more easily trust. Check it out here: https://theologyintheraw.com/blog/2016/5/6/people-to-be-loved/
I also consumed podcasts by Q Ideas. Their podcasts claim to, “educate and equip Christians to engage our cultural moment.” I listened to a few of their current episodes that dealt with LGBTQ+ topics, and appreciated their seeming ability to be cool with the LGBTQ community but also stand on the non-affirming side. However, before too long, I found myself bored with ideas that were pointing to the non-affirming stance. I was in that camp for my whole 42 years of existence. I knew it. These sources were giving some interesting attempts at showing what my relationship with Cailin could look like, but it was lacking. Q Ideas Podcast here : https://qpodcast.libsyn.com/
Somewhere during this time I discovered a podcast by B.T. Harman called Blue Babies Pink. I loved hearing his voice as he bravely and vulnerably shared his experience of growing up a preacher’s kid and discovering his same sex attraction. Outside of the story of his sexual orientation, I really related to some of his questions that he asked himself throughout his journey. He seemed to be really trying to do the right thing, and understand what God wanted from him. I related to this. This podcast was really helpful in validating that I was not an indecent human for going on this journey. There were other solid, Christian people struggling with the narratives that we were supposed to just accept as truth. B.T.’s podcast is probably the resource I share most often, because I truly believe EVERYONE should listen to it, especially if you grew up Christian. Check it out here: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/blue-babies-pink/id1201971435
I want to pause here and explain what was happening in our family at this time. We were communicating with one of our elder family members and one of our other “couple friends”, who was going through a similar experience. Outside of that, we were keeping the whole thing to ourselves . Chris and I did not even tell our other kids. It was summer 2018, and we would not tell other family or friends until September of 2019. It was a very lonely time.
Cailin was attending school at UW, and we began meeting her in Seattle for dinner each Monday night. We were having something of a “LGBTQ book club,” learning with her. She shared with me at our recent debrief that she has friends who think we were “too much” in doing this. I imagine it does appear very controlling, but we did not force her to do it. We asked if she would be willing, and she was. I do admit, with regret, that we did not trust her to figure this out without us. I think our fears did incline us to want to be overly involved in it all, but she was so gracious. I think she was glad we were willing to learn. We also consumed any material that she sent our way. All that to say, we were all in a season of learning together; so many of these resources I am sharing were ones we read or listened to as part of that journey. I want to reemphasize that she was so kind with us in this whole process. I often mention in various posts her patience with us. She had already done years of research alone to bring her to the place of being comfortable with coming out. So, coming along with us on our journey was really a gift to us that we are really grateful for.
The next book I remember was God and the Gay Christian by Matthew Vines. We learned about Matthew Vines in a podcast that Cailin had shared with us, and he, like B.T. struck me as someone humble and willing to do whatever God called him to, in spite of his attraction to men. His book is a step further than Preston Sprinkle’s with regard to understanding the Bible on the topic. I think it was this book that made it very clear to me that I no longer could “know” it was wrong to be gay. I now felt convinced that the Scriptures were not as clear on the subject as I had originally thought. And I felt I could trust this guy, who had done so much work just to be at peace with his own existence. It made me sad that he had to do that work, and I had no business telling him he was wrong. He also encouraged me to advocate for my LGBTQ+ friends, because it was a really hard journey, especially as a Christian. Check out his book on his website here: https://matthewvines.com/
At this point I was further down the path of affirmation than Chris was. I remember the season where we were in different places, and it felt horrible. I remember when he was not sure if he could attend our daughter’s wedding. I really felt like that would be a deal breaker for me, and I hoped and prayed that we would come back to a place of agreement. I remember hearing Preston Sprinkle, the non-affirming author mentioned above, on his podcast advise parents to attend their gay children’s weddings if they wanted to remain in relationship. That was a relationship breaker for many that he had observed. I could not imagine not supporting this part of Cailin’s life, and I could not imagine watching her dad choose a different path. Thankfully, as I said at the beginning, it did not come to that, and Chris is one of Cailin’s BIGGEST advocates! Phew!!
It is time to share that the summer of 2018 was one of much prayer, probably more intense than I had previously participated in. I remember praying nightly, for many months, “Show me Your ways, God. Bring me clarity in this space.” I did not know anymore what I had thought I’d known. That tower of certainty had been wrecked. I had enough evidence from people on both sides of the argument for me to believe that the Bible did not say what I thought. And if it did not say those things, why could I not fully support my daughter. I knew that I could.
I read more books. Gay Girl, Good God, by Jackie Hill Perry; How We Sleep at Night, by Sara Cunningham; Unclobber, by Colby Martin; and more recently Heavy Burdens, by Bridget Eileen Rivera. I appreciated them all. Check them out here:
I still like to consume things from both sides of the argument, but I now fully support the LGBTQ+ community with conviction. Why? What if I am wrong? I may be. I know now that I do not always know. I do not believe any of us fully know. It makes sense to me that not knowing leaves room for the faith, the hope, and the love that I have always assumed was necessary. If I know, why do I ever need to wonder, or be curious, or lean on something or someone bigger? I have consumed a-lot of information, and I continue to do so. This should lead me to knowing, right? But I find that the more I learn, the more I understand how hard it is to fully know. This feels honest. This feels open. This feels less arrogant. This provides space that humanity and God still have much to teach me. It actually is a relief, that I do not have to know all the things. But I get to fully love, embrace, and walk alongside ALL kinds of humans and learn from them too!
