This title comes with a small shock factor for those who may know me. I am not referring to non-binary in the gender space, and I do not intend any disrespect to those who identify as non-binary. I think it is an important, scientifically proven gender term; and I have several people in my life, whom I love, who identify as non-binary.

What I am referring to is binary thought. I wonder if my exposure to fundamentalism encouraged me to think in a more binary way. “This way is right. This way is not.” Things cannot be both ways or nuanced. It’s too dangerous. I do not know if this teaching was intentional, but it definitely jived with my ideas of safety and rightness. As an anxious kiddo, I was happy to have the clarity of do’s and don’ts.

It feels good to know something is right and do it. I think there are many good decisions. I think there are many bad decisions. I like to think I make good decisions mostly, but the reality is, I make plenty of bad ones all the time. For example, today I kept sinking into a social media mind meld when I should have been doing homework. But is that bad? I paid for it when my homework took me way longer than it needed to, but nothing really bad happened to me. I finished. Maybe my brain lost cells, but this extrovert has been in a VERY quiet house all day. I think I enjoyed interacting with my cyber friends. This is just one example of a not so clear “bad decision”.

I think there are TONS of examples like this. As I grow older I feel like there are more and more things in this “non-binary” space. It’s not good. It’s not bad. It’s just a choice.

Sometimes I have had a tendency to think that if one way doesn’t work the way I imagine, it’s a bad decision. I put it on the “bad decision shelf,” and hope never to access it again. Or if it’s a method that works for me, I put it on the “good decision shelf”, to be accessed regularly. I may even put a big label on it that says “HOW TO LIVE YOUR BEST LIFE” or something like that. And because I have learned well how to evangelize, I may even share ALL about it with anyone who will listen.

It is really great to find something that really works well for me! It feels so good too if others see it and applaud. It feels good until it doesn’t.

It stops feeling good when everyone does not use my “good decision workbook.” Even though I have made it beautiful and very accessible, they have their own methods that they choose.

But why? Do they think my method is a bad method? Do they think I am stupid? Do I think they are missing out? Or wrong? Or bad? Is there another secret reason that they don’t use my “best life manual?” Hmm. These shelves are causing trouble.

Perhaps they are just different people than me. They like different things. They like meat, when I like veggies. They like competitive games, when I love a “get to know you” game. They may choose television over a walk. This one is hard for me, because I may really think I have evidence to back up that a walk is better. However, sometimes I could use a break, sitting next to people I love, experiencing a show together. A walk can be a good decision. But it turns toxic when it becomes an obsession. Television can be a bad decision, but it can also be an experience filled with memories and love.

So, I am working to be comfortable with trying things and deciding, what are good choices for me in the moment? What does it look like to be kind to me right now? What does it look like to be kind to you? I am trying to be open to both/and verses either/or. It is a more peaceful space, with less judgment on others. It gives me opportunity to try new thoughts, consider others’ perspectives, and be reminded that my way is not THE way.

I still like to have things that are clear, and I believe growth gives everyone opportunity to find those good decisions for themselves; but after 46 years, I am really ready to try to let go of needing to make a HOW TO manual for myself and others to live by. It’s so exhausting! And it is not a place of much respectful curiosity.

I wonder if my new method of thought is a good decision ;). Happy 2023, Friends! Thanks for reading!